Tuesday, December 23, 2008


Every blog on my reader today has been talking about how it's snowing like crazy where they are. So I thought I might add my two cents to the mix and talk about the weather where I live.

It's cold and not snowing.

And when I say cold I mean that with the wind chill, we're talking temperatures in the negative numbers. Right now it's 17 degrees outside (with the windchill it feels like it's 6 degrees) at 1:45 pm; when I woke up this morning, it was -1. I know there are places in the world where it's colder (like Canada or Russia) but when you have to take the dogs out every morning so that they can do their business ... it might as well be Russia because it feels like it's -1,000,000 degrees out.

It's so cold in the mornings that I layer like I would if I was going snow shoeing through the Alaskan wilderness. I wear leggings, under fleece pajama pants, under snow pants, with a shirt and a sweatshirt and my heaviest winter coat. Then add on my faux-fur hat with the ear flaps, gloves so thick I can barely zip myself in my coat and a scarf to try and shield my face from the wind. The wind that blows right into your face and is so cold that it feels like you're being poked in the face with a million tiny, freezing cold needles.

I hate to be cold, but if it's going to be so cold out, I would at least like it to snow. Then it would be pretty at least. As it is now, everything is frozen. Including people who have to be outside for more than ten minutes at a time. But at least the black ice is mostly gone.

I hope things are prettier where you are.

Friday, December 19, 2008

25 cents For Your Sanity

This is a new tag that you will probably be seeing more and more frequently on my posts. As you may or may not (or may have guessed) I am sort of going through what some people would call a quarter life crisis. Writing about it makes me feel better and I like to try and work through my problems in a way that might help someone else.

Anyway ... I was toying with the idea of starting a new blog called 25 cents For Your Sanity (you know, like a penny for your thoughts. Only I thought that sanity might be worth a little more than a thought), but as I am thinking about becoming a joint author in a green blog project, I decided that I would just label the posts as what they are and include them in here. It'll be good for boosting my archives and I won't have to go like a million different places to blog.

Although I read the blogs of many brilliant people who do that. But honestly, they are better people than I and I'm not sure that I could handle having 4 different blogs to maintain and try to post to on a fairly regular basis.

So that's what that label means. You know, just in case someone starts reading something and doesn't understand why these posts tend to be angst ridden and depressing. Don't worry, I don't stay that way for very long.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

There are (s)no(w) rules when it snows

It snows here every year. I live in the Midwest, so you expect it to snow a little. And when I say a little, I mean several inches that won't melt until the middle of spring. Which is to say, usually it snows quite a bit during the winter months. And sometimes a little bit during the autumn months. Which is to say that people in the Midwest are not new to driving in snow. However, this year I have seen so many people act like they have never even seen snow before this winter let alone driven in it.

He might be cute, but he has no idea how to drive in snow.

It reminds me of the movie Gremlins. You know, when the cute little guy gets wet and spawns a race of a-hole, not cute gremlins. Only in this case the snow causes drivers who are normally perfectly responsible and safe drivers to suddenly forget everything they ever learned about driving ever and morph into a-hole drivers that run red lights and drive like speed racer on streets that are likely to be coated in black ice.

Please people, when it is snowing or sleeting or when it's freezing rain outside, please for the love of God drive under the speed limit. When you spin out on black ice because you were going 50 MPH to get home in time for dinner, you will be home WAY LATER than if you had driven like a sensible person and made it home a little later than normal minus the whole spinning out thing. Also, JUST BECAUSE there is snow on the ground does not mean that you get to run a red light due to the fact that the people in front of you are going slow. If you are out in the intersection when it turns yellow, fine. But if you are still turning left when the light for the straight people turns green that is NOT OK. And you do not need to keep rolling forward so that you are in the middle of the intersection when the light turns, ok? Sitting at the line like the rest of us while we wait for the other drivers to take their turns will not kill you and will not cause you to be so late to where ever you are going that the world will end. The roads are crappy - no one will fault you for driving slowly and carefully. I am pretty sure that the person you are going to see would rather you get there alive than have you spin out into a ditch and die.

And ... end rant. I just wish people would use their brains when they drive in bad weather. It makes me so sad to listen to the news and hear about all the car accidents that happen on the highway because some idiot decided to drive way too fast.

On a lighter note, CHRISTMAS IS ALMOST HERE! How is your shopping coming? I have a lot I still have to do (which is weird because usually I am totally done at the beginning of November) but I am going on a mass shopping trip on Thursday. Unless we get hit with the ice storm that we are supposed to be hit with. Because if that happens I will be staying home, working from the recliner in front of the fire and drinking obscene amounts of hot chocolate.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Happy Birth-a-Versary Bing!

Dearest Binglehopper -

One year ago today I got to meet you outside of a kennel for the very first time. It was in the conference room in the Humane Society. Do you remember seeing me through the glass while the volunteer carried you in there? Do you remember when you met Tim for the first time? Did you know that you were going to come home with us and join our family for all the rest of your days? Probably not ... I mean, you are just a dog. I'm pretty sure that you didn't understand what the heck was going on. But you did seem pretty excited to be out of your kennel.

You and me on your first afternoon home

A year ago today, I thought that Boyfriend and I were going to break up for sure. We weren't talking (which really is the whole reason that you are part of my life in the first place) and I was so sad and lonely. And then BFF called me from the Humane Society and told me about you and I went to visit you. And you sat there all cool and composed like you didn't have a care in the world and didn't really mind that you were in a tiny kennel with a super hyper blonde poodle who almost licked my fingers off my hand before I could get you to come over and say hello. You were so new that they didn't even have any information on you up yet, I didn't know how old you were (although to be fair, I still don't really and never will) or what your name was or why you were in the Humane Society in the first place.

Such a handsome little bugger

I will never forget getting the call that I had been approved to adopt you but I couldn't meet you, or pet you, because you hadn't been temperament tested yet. I thought that was pretty funny. But I will never forget how wiggly and happy you were when we met, or how you completely ignored Tim and lazer-beam-locked onto me with your eyes and your energy and how cute I thought your build in trick where you beg by standing up on your back legs and flailing your front legs around in front of you like a crazy person. And then - I took you home. Where you promptly peed on the floor. But that's ok, it's part of parenthood.

Cutie pa-tootie

So the long and the short of it is: I love you. And even though the first few months that we lived together were real hard I am so glad that we met and that we have each other and I am very excited for us to spend many more happy and healthy years together. And I mean healthy - I can't be taking you to the vet every other week ... ok? But really I love you. And for all those times I talked about finding you a new family because I was feeling overwhelmed, I'm sorry. And I love you lots you little snuggle muffin you.

Your Mom

Thursday, December 11, 2008


Don't worry ... not the blog. Just me.

Boyfriend and I talked about how I was feeling, then I talked to my parents about how they were feeling and then all four of us talked to each other about feeling in general. An hour and a very detailed budget later, everyone was starting to feel better about the whole "living in sin" thing that Boyfriend and I are getting ready to do together.

We went apartment hunting on Saturday and ended up giving our application to rent to the last place we went to check out (and almost didn't end up going to). I would tell you where but since I don't know you and there is a chance that you are some crazy serial murderer type person (just for the record: I give you the benefit of the doubt) I'm not going to. You will just have to settle for pictures after we move in.

It's an older complex, but the floor plans and are nice and big and open which means that we get a bigger apartment for less cash. We are going to be living in a downstairs apartment which means that we will have a tiny patio, which is fenced in, for small dogs to scamper around in when I am just too lazy tired to take them out on a long walk. We also will have a wood burning fireplace to have delightful fires in while we wait out the rest of the winter. I am 90% sure that we will also be having plenty of smores parties over the old open flame. Call me Email me if you are in or around Kansas and I will hook you up (provided, or course, that you are not a creepy serial murderer type person whose true intention is to roast me over the open flames).

We were informed by the very sweet office lady that we would probably know this week if we get the ok to move in or not. Keep your fingers crossed that we do ... otherwise I think that Boyfriend will lose his mind. If we do we will be moving in on January 10! It's so exciting! And now I have to start packing ... again (boo).

Wednesday, December 3, 2008


Over the last two weeks, I have developed a twitch. Boyfriend likes to call it my "crazy eye". I would like to think that having a twitch doesn't necessarily mean that I'm crazy ... but the fact that my eye has been twitching for almost three weeks makes me wonder if he is right about the crazy thing after all.

Usually it goes crazy at work, but I don't feel like I'm under a tremendous amount of pressure. In fact, I like the amount of work I have to do at work. It means that I spend my whole day working (which makes me feel good and the managers happy) instead of looking around for new blogs to add to my Google reader (but if you know of a totally fabulous blog you should totally share it with me because I love adding blogs to my Google reader). So I'm not sure why I developed the damn thing in the first place.

However, I have noticed (yes - I have had the twitch so long that I have noticed when it gets worse) that it gets worse when people talk about the economy and all the super-depressing/totally-scary things that are going on in the world. Mom told me last night that I am no longer allowed to watch the news and/or read the newspaper in order to make said twitch go away. But when I'm at work and I get frustrated with something, like today when Photoshop would not do what I wanted it to, it goes NUTS. I mean ... come on!

How am I supposed to function in life if all I do is try to avoid the things that make my "crazy eye" go crazy? I just can't live that way! Unless that way of life involved a lot of vodka and sprites. Then I think I might be able to handle it. There you go - I'll just start bringing vodka to work in my water bottle instead of water (and if you found this blog and work with me: I am just kidding about that whole bringing alcohol to work thing. Seriously.)

You know what else I hate about this stupid twitch? When it starts going off in front of someone and I put my hand up to my eye to try and get it to stop and then I have to explain to them that I have a twitch. ARGH! And as a result, I can't stop talking about the damn twitch, which I'm sure makes it twitch even more.

And last night I got another twitch - in my butt. All day long ... eye twitch - butt twitch. I am going to go crazy if I can't find out how to make this stop short of checking myself into a 5-star resort/spa for a weekend. Or a week. Or maybe a month. Or maybe until the economy stops its downward spiral into a black abyss.

Ok - I'm done whining now. Thanks for listening blog - you are SUCH a good friend.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Link Love (everyone's doing it so I'm going to too)

This blog is continuing to grow along with me, and I love it. I can't wait to see were it ends up going ... I have started to read the blogs of a lot of truly awesome people and it makes me want to follow in their footsteps of true awesomeness. I sometimes wonder if maybe I should make myself a tiny niche, but when I stop and think about it really hard, I realize that there is no one thing that makes my gears turn. It's a TON of things, from knitting, to scrapbooking, to writing about my life, my finances, and I might even start writing about my quarter life crisis (because I am totally having one - TOTALLY). I can only home that someday I can be as awesome as these bloggers. Want to read what I'm reading? Of course you do. So without further ado ... I present to you:

Link Love (I wish I could be as cool as you are) Edition!!

Clever Girl's Gone Blog - I actually found her blog because she was a Blogger blog of note a while back, but it is totally witty and hilarious and everyone should read it. I can't read Tia's blog without laughing out loud (and usually I'm at work when I'm reading it).

No Ordinary Roller Coaster - I don't really remember how I stumbled upon this little jewel. But no matter how I found it, Ben is hilarious and he has two tiny dogs (dachshunds) and he has some of the same troubles that I have been having - i.e. tiny dogs who think they own the bed and force you into crazy positions in order to sleep.

Wild ARS Chase - While I am not sure what the ARS stands for (personally, I like to think it's arse, like the way the brits say ass) or what the blog is about for the most part, what I've read I like. I like it a lot. Like, a lot a lot. Andy and Ben are doing some sort of wonderful co-blog event, which is how I found Andy, and it is wonderful.

Jungle is "101" - I am obsessed with Disneyland and this is a blog that caters to those who, like me, continue to hope that someday I too can be a cast member as a princess. But even if you don't want to be a Disney Princess (although I don't know why you wouldn't) this is still a totally awesome blog about all things vintage Disneyland (which is in my humble opinion, is by far the best of the two parks) by a former cast member, Mike.

Well Heeled with a Mission - A personal finance blog that is just like what I want mine to be like when my personal finance blog grows up. This 20-something is witty and insightful and good with money, which is something that I am working on. Hopefully someday I can have a freedom fund that's as big as hers is.

Keep your eyes peeled, these are but a tiny bit of the blogs that are starting to populate my Google Reader (which is totally sweet if you haven't ever used it) and so there will be many other link love type posts that are centered around a theme. Yes themes! How much fun is that? Now you have to keep reading ... right?


Thursday, November 20, 2008

It's Offical

Slowly but surely, and not all together against my will, I am becoming totally, completely, head over heels, can't stop thinking and dreaming about it, obsessed with knitting. Yup, you heard it right. OBSESSED.

Right now I am in the process of knitting two scarfs. One is going to be three tones (but only because my mom didn't have enough of the beige yarn I started with in her stash), one pretty beige, then navy blue and then another shade of beige. It's big and it's going to be super warm and snuggley. And it has a wonderful little hole in it that my mother and I are mystified by. Somehow I managed to drop a stitch and pick it back up on the next row. AMAZING.

The second scarf I cast on all by myself and is bright red. It's skinny and it's going to be a scarf that you can wear while your at work or out on the town or what have you. Warm and decorative, can you ask for more? Right now it is quite small, only a few inches, but when I finish it, I'm sure that it will be FABULOUS.

Once I get these scarfs done, I am going to go out into the world and start building my stash. Ooooohhhhh yyyyyeeeaaaa. And then I am going to knit this 4th grade hat, a truly awesome handknit hat that you can find on the Twist Collective's website (which has soo many things that I am just itching to learn how to make).

Thursday, November 13, 2008


There are times in my life where I feel like my whole world is going like 60 million miles an hour faster than I want it to, and I feel powerless over where it's going or how fast it's going to get there. I have a number of things going on in my life right now and I am feeling quite overwhelmed by it all.

1. Boyfriend wants us to move in together.
This is not really a problem at all really, except that I had a tiny freak out about it after I got up the nerve to tell my parents the other night. And when I say "tiny freak out" what I really mean is that it finally hit me what I was saying and what it meant and all of the potential problems that could come of it. And when I tried to express my concerns and worries and fear to him over the phone last night, he got mad at me, which is not the reaction I was hoping for. Now I have made the whole thing just that much more complicated ... and I have no idea what is going to happen.

2. My parents are not really all that ok with me moving in with Boyfriend.
And now they are offering me a room in the basement that would end up being like a tiny apartment. It sounds totally awesome ... but I want to talk to Boyfriend before I do anything at all anywhere, be it in my parent's house or with him.

3. I JUST got really and truly settled in and organized in my current bedroom.
And now I'm thinking about moving again. The whole thing just gives me a headache.

4. Still no word on a raise coming my way in the foreseeable near future.
Which is a problem because I need more money if I have any hope of ever being financially independent and debt free.

AH! I have no idea what's going to happen and I really don't want Boyfriend to think that I don't want to move in with him ... I just have some worries that need to be soothed before any boxes start to get packed or leases signed.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Weekly Running Report

Rather than update every time I get on the treadmill (which wouldn't be that often ... but still) I figured I would make a post every Monday with my distances, times, and all that other junk in it so that I won't be dumbing my posts down at all. Or something. It made sense to me when I thought of this idea the other night ...

Overall, I think I'm doing alright (that is, when you consider the fact that I can't run for more than 10 minutes straight and that most of the time I spend on the treadmill is really me just power-walking and trying to catch my breath). This week made it so that I didn't get to yoga like I would have liked to and I didn't get to go this weekend at all because I was in Lawrence spending all my money and pretending that I'm still in undergrad. But I'm working on it (going to yoga and accepting the fact that I am now a grown-up type person).

So, without further ado, my weekly running report volume #1:

Time Running

90 minutes

Number of Running Days
3 Days

Days of Yoga

2 Days

Total Distance Goal

6 Miles

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Hickey: Day 4 and 5

Except for the darkest little bit of it, day four found me with a really really faded hickey on my neck. As of yesterday it has turned yellow. Today, I didn't even think to look because I can barely find it when I look in the mirror. So for now, I declare the hickey crisis of 2008 officially ended.

Thank God.

But this weekend I'm going back up to Lawrence with Boyfriend so stay tuned ... there very well may be another crisis next week if he gets drunk enough.

I must finish that hickey scarf ASAP.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Hickey: Day 3

Well everyone - just thought you might like a little update on the hickey situation. It has faded somewhat, but the teeny bit that was really dark is still really dark. I currently have so much foundation on my neck that it looks like I have a reverse hickey. The skin over the hickey is now more flesh colored than the rest of my neck.


But, on the upside, I decided that tonight I am going to knit a scarf. Specifically a hickey scarf. So that I can wear it tomorrow during work so that I won't have to wonder if anyone is staring at my neck. Although, no one has said anything about it so it could be that I'm in the clear. Unless my co-workers are reading my blog. In which case they probably have secret meetings in the conference room where they make fun of me and laugh. But who am I kidding? I am the only person who reads this (Yes that's right, my mom doesn't even read my blog) so I don't think I have much to worry about.

I would post a pattern for scarf knitting but since my mom's an avid knitter, I happen to know first hand that, unless you are totally clueless about what you're doing, you do not need a pattern to knit a scarf. Pretty much they are the easiest thing to knit ever. When I get done with it I'll post pictures. Promise.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Dear Blog,

Will you be my running partner? I started training for my marathon tonight ... and since BFF is 45 minutes away I would like someone to record my achievements, maybe even help me celebrate when I achieve one of my running goals.

Tonight I ran/power walked:
  • 2 miles in 35 minutes
  • The longest time that I ran was 5 minutes
  • I reached my goal of being on the treadmill for 30 minutes
It was pretty pathetic overall, but I did it. I made my starting goal (30 minutes) and I did push myself to keep running even when I was panting really hard. It's sad ... but it is what it is. I will get better and someday (read: January) I will join a running group and get into awesome shape for the half marathon in July.

Hickey Hickey Hickey

I have a hickey on my neck. And it's not on the side either, where I might be able to brush my hair over it to help the foundation that is barely hiding it from the whole world. It's on the very front of my neck ... right next to my voice box. UGH. And yesterday, the day after I was given this glorious gift thanks to Boyfriend, we were at Boyfriend's house where Boyfriend's mom totally saw it. And when I went upstairs to take a much needed nap, she totally gave Boyfriend tips on how to make it go away which turned into him attacking my neck with a toothbrush trying to make it go away.

And if you were wondering ... it didn't work.

I got rid of all my turtlenecks the last time I did a wardrobe raid and my pretty scarfs are still packed away in storage which means that I have no way to cover it up without being completely obvious about it. SIGH. So here I sit, in my cube, so grateful that my boss is out of town so that I don't have to talk to him at all until this thing disappears, and hoping that I piled enough foundation on my neck that no one will notice. I blush every time I look in the mirror.

But I like to think that I have it pretty well off considering Boyfriend's history of giving girls hickeys. His family goes to Minnesota every year over the 4th of July. Boyfriend once took a high school girlfriend with him and somehow managed to give her a giant hickey on her neck, (even though I'm not sure how they got that much time alone to have such a great make out session, all the adults kept a close watch on us and we are in our 20's) for which she will be forever referred to as "hickey Jenny" by his family.

The moral of the story is ... well, to tell you the truth I don't know what kind of moral can be taken from this. Really, I just wanted to bitch about having to go to work with a hickey front and center on my neck.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

I'm getting older, too.

I'm nearing my 24th birthday at a speed that sometimes makes me happy but mostly just makes me want to go away and hide. I know that it's not a big deal ... I mean, I have my whole life ahead of me and it's not like when you turn 24 you're suddenly old and feeble. The reason that it makes me upset is that fact that it's here and it seems like it got here a lot faster than it should.

The reason I bring this up is due to a conversation that I had with Rose the BFF the other day. We have decided to run a half marathon during the San Fransisco Marathon on July 26, 2009 (awesome, right?!) and we also have decided that we are going to run the Disney full marathon in 2010 in January on a date that I am not sure of right now. This way I have plenty of time to train and learn how to be a runner and not die after running 6 miles ... like I normally do. But I digress. The conversation in question went like this (edited for content and length):

me: So we do the half in SF and then the whole Disney?
BFF: yup, in jan of 2010.
me: sweet ... that'll be perfect
BFF: and then we can start having babies.
me: great, and our flat stomachs can go the way of the dinosaurs.
*moment of realization*
me: oh my god, we really are going to start having babies.

And it's true. We both are nearing our mid 20's and we both are in steady, serious relationships. In fact, some of our friends who are already married (ah!) are pregnant with baby #1! BFF has a friend from her home town that is already on baby #2 that was planned. PLANNED! They planned on having a second child ... they aren't even 25 yet. Holy crap.

The thing that is really freaking me out is that I feel like I've waited my whole life to get to this point. The point when I was out of school, working at a big girl job, dating a guy that I love and who loves me back (I am 99.9% sure that this statement is true, BTW), and getting to the point where I'll be getting engaged, possibly married and maybe even one day choose to have some wee ones. I mean ... come on! It just blows my mind and I feel like I'm so in shock about it that I can't even process what's happening.

I am a grown up person.

I am! But the problem is that I still feel like I did in college (this could have something to do with the fact that I still babysit like a crazy person, live with my parents, and get paid a miserably small hourly wage). If you are a younger person reading this (HA! No one reads this ... who am I kidding?) and you just don't get what I'm talking about ... let me give you an example of what it feels like.

Boyfriend's mom: So, when's the anniversary?
me: It was October 8th actually.
Boyfriend's mom: And how long has it been?
me: Two years.
Boyfriend's mom: Does that include the time that you dated before you got back together?
me: Nope. We dated for 9 months the first time so if you counted that it would be closer to 3 years.
Boyfriend's mom: Wow ...
me: Geez, it's been two years. It feels like we only got back together like ... a couple weeks ago or something ...
*head explodes*

When you start thinking that things that really happened 2-3 years ago only happened like, last month, you're old. Believe me, the first time this happens to you, you will remember it. And then you'll tell your friend about it and they will know exactly what you're talking about ... and then you'll cry because right when you stop wishing that you were older and start enjoying the place you are in life is the time when you get what you've been wishing for and you keep getting older. And it doesn't stop for a loooooooooong time.

*head explodes*

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

"I Feel Happy!" - Old Sick Guy from The Search for the Holy Grail

Well blog readers ... if there are any of you at all ... I am feeling much better now thanks. I know you were up all night wondering how I would deal with my issues and worrying that I might spiral out into a deep depression. But never fear, having talked things over with Rose, the BFF, I am feel quite better. That's not to say that I don't have the occasional "Ugh, I look terrible" thought but the thoughts are not as frequent as they were and they're fleeting. Like ... "Ugh, I look terrible. Maybe I'll look better after I shower." or maybe even "Ugh, I look terrible. Maybe I'll spend 5 minutes putting some foundation under my eyes so that it looks like I went to bed last night." You know, the usual girl thoughts that we all have.

And usually it happens in the morning and then I look fine when I leave for work.

And then at about noon when I get really sleepy from my lunch ... I start to dislike my hair so I put it in a pony tail. A PONYTAIL! Yes, yes, a ponytail. My hair has grown to the point that I can pull it back, even though it doesn't all stay back unless I use like 6 bobby pins, but that's beside the point.

All in all, life is good.

Sometimes you just gotta put yourself out there and vent, no matter how other people might look at you afterwards.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Pretty Girl Ugly

You know, in our society, you always hear about those runway super models who look in the mirror at their almost skeletal bodies and say "I could stand to lose another 3 pounds" and those super hott girls who look at themselves and say "If only my hair were [insert color] I would look so much cuter", and if you're anything like me you laugh at these stories and go "Whatever. The skinny chicks know they're skinny and they flaunt it by talking about losing weight so the rest of us feel sorry for them" or "Right. Super hott chick doesn't know she's hott. And I'm the queen of England."

(Did you like my run on sentence? I think it's awesome. Oh yes English minor ... you come in soooo handy in my life.)

But for the first time ever in my life, I know what these girls are talking about. I look in the mirror and all I see are my flaws. The blackheads, zits, how one of my eyes is almond shaped and the other is round, how my eyebrows grow funny , how my short hair makes me look stupid because I don't have the ability to get up early enough to spend 45 to straighten and do it, and the fact that at the ripe age of 23 I have chin hairs. Yup - I hate them.

I feel ugly all the time now ... even when I'm with Boyfriend. And I know he doesn't care about any of that stuff. I know it. But I still wonder sometimes if he thinks that I could stand to lose a few pounds or if he has ever noticed the fact that I have chin hairs. And I worry that if I ever say any of this to his face that he will think I'm crazy and not want to talk to me about it.

And I need to talk about it. I hate wandering around wondering if everyone else is seeing what I see in myself. I feel alone and depressed. Last night I got in bed and cried because I was trying to take a pretty picture of myself, I don't know why, I think it was because I was making sexy faces in the mirror. But every picture I took just made me feel uglier and uglier.

I am rapidly reaching a breaking point. I'm sitting in my cube writing this and I can feel the knot forming in my throat ... I can feel the tears in my eyes. I don't want to cry at work.

I don't want to feel like this anymore.

But I don't know what to do about it.

I used to not give a crap about what I looked like or what people thought about what I looked like. I used to wear costumes to school ... and I had people point and laugh at me as I would walk down the halls. But I didn't care. I liked it, and that's all the matted. It's only been 5 years since I was that girl ... has it really been so long that I can look back and wonder how I was ever like that?

Every few years, for my whole life, I hit a point where I find some things that I don't like about myself and I strive to change them. One year it was to stop hitting my friends (not like beating them, in the 'you're so funny *slap on the back*' sort of way), another year it was to stop complaining. But I've never hit a point where I feel like I need to do a complete overhaul. Feeling like I have to scrap everything and start over.

On top of feeling ugly ... I feel like I'm a failure at everything.

I'm late, I'm not crafty, I'm not as creative as I used to be, I work too much, I don't have enough friends ... I just don't feel like I'm good at much anymore.

Besides being ugly.

I'm really good at that.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Super Careo's recipe for the perfect cup of coffee ...

EDIT: Please don't read this post if you are a coffee purist.

1. Take regular black coffee, brewed, and pour it into a cup.
2. Take Coffee Mate Vanilla Carmel creamer, powdered, and add it to the black coffee.
3. Stir and taste.
4. Dump in some more Vanilla Carmel creamer.
5. Stir and taste.
6. Dump in a ton of creamer because you don't want to have to pour and stir another six times.
7. Stir and taste.
8. Add a pinch more creamer for good measure.
9. Enjoy.

I {heart} my Vanilla Carmel creamer. It makes coffee a truly caffeinated, sugar packed treat in the mornings or in the afternoon.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

A lovely weekend ...

This weekend, while largely uneventful, was wonderful. Boyfriend's parents were out of town and so I joined him at his house (he had to dog sit) thinking that we would just spend the night in front of the TV watching KU football (we lost, BTW). But I was totally surprised when Boyfriend took me out on the back porch where he had the hot tub bubbling away, complete with votive candles, music and some beers for us to enjoy. It was wonderful, especially since we spent most of last weekend arguing about stupid things. However, it did start to pour down rain almost as soon as we got in, but Boyfriend had already counted on that and had set up an unbrella for us. Too bad it started leaking ...

The next night we went to Lawrence and hit the bars with friends. It was a good time, although I somehow managed to spend $40 ... insane. But all in all, worth it. It's been a long time since I let my hair down, and I really enjoyed myself. Then, after we watched the Chief's get spanked by the Radiers (grr ...) we came home and spent the evening together watching Harold and Kumar escape from Guantanamo Bay. Not my favorite movie, but it was ok.

Now it's back to the grind ... Boo.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Holy cow ...

So as I write this ... I'm sitting, shivering, in my cube in the office. I know what you're thinking, "Caroline is always cold. What makes today so different?" Well my friends, it's because the air is still on even though it's not even 60 degrees outside right now. It's only the first week of September and it's fall weather already. It's just insane. Fall isn't supposed to start until September 22 - that's a full two weeks (alright, really a week and 6 days) from today.

Don't believe me? Look out your window and you might notice that some of the trees are starting to turn already. The trees in front of the office have already started to lose their leaves. AH!

But I do have to say that I am very happy that it's coming so quickly. So far I've watched the Muppet Christmas Carol twice in an effort to relieve my excitement over the coming holidays. I have yet to start wrapping presents (yes, I already have a ton of them) but I think that might be my next step. It's a good thing that my Christmas tree is packied away in storage right now because I totally would have set it up last week.

Thursday, August 7, 2008


One of my new favorite websites is i can has cheezberger. I spend at least 30 minutes a day looking through the endless archives and eagerly checking my igoogle for new posts from their widget. Anyway ... this one cracked me up today.

im un ur eye poke
more cat pictures

My family, well my dad and I, do this thing called "gently probing fingers" where you try to stick your fingers up the other person's nose or in their ears and this made me think of it and as a result I was laughing out loud today in the office. Go me.

I would keep your eyes peeled for more pictures. I think this could become something of a habit.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

I have a bad feeling about this ...

To use the line from Han Solo (and the whole Star Wars trilogy, really).

I don't know what it is but I woke up with that icky feeling in my stomach like something bad has/will happen sometime in the near future.

I had a dream about high school and the first guy who I ever referred to as a boyfriend ... but I don't know why that would give me a bad feeling.

I talked to Boyfriend last night and he didn't seem too happy with me because I have to miss our friend's party due to a babysitting job that got moved up suddenly. But that shouldn't make me feel bad either because I'm doing everything I can to help out with the party without actually being there.

I wonder what it is and if it will go away soon. Dinner with Boyfriend tonight should be quite nice and hopefully by then this feeling will have left me alone. I know nothing is wrong ... I hope. I suddenly think that I will have to make some phone calls during my lunch break.

Also, I am doing another overnight babysitting job ... wish me luck. I hope the dogs are better behaved then they were last time. Geez.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Oh, and also ...

I forgot to mention that Boyfriend didn't get the job in Florida and has accepted a 6 month position with a company in town. Fingers crossed that it turns into something long term.

Also ... I had fake nails put on and while they are fun I think I might hate them. If I don't start to like them in the next few days, I think I might soak them off. I read all about it on the internet yesterday. All I need to do is soak them in some nail polish remover and they will melt off of my fingers.

Also ... I need chocolate. BADLY.


Why is it on the days when you are sooo tired or just plain not feeling well my hair always manages to look terrible? It's almost like it's picking up on the way the rest of my body is acting (slow and crampy) and is doing it's best at imitating it. Even though it's hair. I mean really.

I only 4.5 hours of sleep last night and I spent the evening packing. Then I got up early to unload the stuff from the interior of my car so that I could drive around without looking like a hobo and came to work. So ... I'm tired. My period (the first one I've had in 3 months WOOT) decided to kick it into fully gear today and I feel like someone is repeatedly shoving flaming hot pokers through my belly. So not only does my stomach hurt, my back does too. And they are terrible cramps. And I can feel them zapping the little remaining energy I have.

I think I have reached the point in my day when I just can't really work anymore. Which is ok because I have been a little workhorse lately and when I get here in the mornings I do as much as I can so that when this happens it will look like I was productive all day. Yes my friends, the time has come for me to sit and stare at my computer, run random Google searches and pretend that I am doing working when really I have retreated to the happy place in my mind in hopes that I can escape the pain in my belly.

I will see you the in happy place ...

Friday, July 11, 2008

Oh wow.

Last night I had a total breakdown. I had just gotten done with a 48 hour babysitting job and I was tired and stressed out a little (not because of the babies, but because of their dogs). Well - I came home to find that our own dogs had not been put in the basement, like they are supposed to be when no one is home, and they had gotten into our kitchen trash can and scattered coffee grounds all over the breakfast room floor and there was trash everywhere and in almost every room on the main floor of the house. It's those damn coffee grounds that put me over the edge. Ugh.

I get to go to Lawrence and see Boyfriend today!! I'm very excited. I haven't seen him since he got back from Florida, I was babysitting so I couldn't pick him up from the airport when he got home on Wednesday.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Job Interview ...

Well, Boyfriend has a big job interview today in Florida. He flew down there yesterday and he comes back tomorrow. The whole thing makes me feel funny. I'm scared and excited all at the same time.

I'm scared because if he moves away and I don't move down there with him right away, which is probably what will end up happening, what will happen to us? And while I would like to think that he has changed I'm afraid of having a repeat of what happened in Texas. I'm scared of him meeting someone.

I'm excited because he's going out into the world and trying to get a good job in a new place, something that I hope I can do in the next few years. I'm excited because if he gets it he'll live in a neat place and I will get to go visit him every few months.

It's an odd emotional mix and I'm having trouble figuring out exactly how I feel about the whole thing. I don't want him to not get the job because I was thinking negative thoughts or because I prayed that he wouldn't (I haven't done any of these things) and so I keep just hoping that what's supposed to happen will happen and I hope that what I want to happen happens. So, you might ask, what do I want to have happen? I want him to do what's right for him, but I want us to stay together and be happy.

Fingers crossed.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Home Sweet Home

Well, Boyfriend landed safe and sound. He was going through customs when I called him all those times ... he was too busy to answer. Or something. It really doesn't matter.

I took off of work yesterday to spend with him and it was wonderful. We just hung out and played all day. Bing and Lilly went into the vet to get their teeth cleaned and when they came home we all went for a big long walk thinking that it would wear them out. But really all it did was help to make them less groggy from the anesthesia and perked them up. Oh well, it was nice to get out of the house and move around. Although I hate to say that I was quite tired when we got back to the house.

Then last night I went to watch Boyfriend play ultimate Frisbee and his team won! Very exciting. And then we looked at pictures of his trip and called it a night. I didn't end up getting into bad last night until midnight. But I'm doing ok right now with the whole awake thing, which is surprising. I thought for sure that I would be dragging this morning. So far so good.

Also, my presentation is today after lunch. I'm nervous but for the most part I'm not all that worried. I will update on how it went later.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Curious ...

Well, I've been calling Boyfriend's phone to see if it's on or not. Since you can't have them on during the flight it would make sense that it would go straight to voice mail. But I just called and it RANG, he didn't answer, but it RANG.

What does this mean?!

Narrowing it down ...

So the only other flight coming into O'Hare from Frankfurt Germany is supposed to land at 5:13 pm. So Boyfriend has to be on it, doesn't he? One would hope. Of course, there's always the chance that he got the times way wrong and won't be flying in until like, midnight tonight.

If this is the case ... I am going to completely fall apart. I am going to be super annoyed with him for not just asking his mother when they were supposed to come back and super excited to see him all at the same time. Then top that off with the jitters I've got and will have until he calls me from Chicago. I'm going to be a mess when he gets off the plane ... a mess.

Then I took the time to look up the departures from O'Hare to Kansas City and the last one, that was listed on this website, leaves at 5:45. It could be a close connection ... which means that if this is Boyfriend's connecting flight he'll be back in town at a decent hour and not midnight. But again, there is always the chance that there are flights that haven't been listed yet. I'll keep checking back, as I'm sure you're just sitting there with bated breath wondering when in the hell is Super Careo's boyfriend actually coming home.

Stay tuned. I will update again probably around 5:13 because posting about all of this is actually calming me down a little and letting me get some work done.

Losing it.

Boyfriend told me that he would be back in the states (Chicago O'hare) at 3:00 or so. Well, it's 3:58 and I have heard nothing from Boyfriend. This means that he got the time wrong and he probably isn't going to land for another hour.

How do I know that he probably won't be landing for another hour? I have been looking at every single website that lists airline flights from O'Hare for the last hour trying to figure out which one Boyfriend is on. Because he is a butthole and insisted that he would just call me instead of giving me his flight information when I asked for it. Multiple times. GRRRAAAAHHHH!

Does he know what he has done to my productivity level? Destroyed it that's what. I sit, staring at my phone for stretches of 10 to 20 minutes willing it to ring, with him on the other end. I am about to lose it. I am so excited for him to call I'm shaking ... I have tons of adrenaline rushing through my system ... I'm sweating. SWEATING!

He better call soon or I very well could go flying off the deep end in the next two hours. And while I'm SO EXCITED to see Boyfriend, I'm also a little bummed that his flight is so late at night because that means that I don't get to leave work early to go fetch him from the airport. And don't think I didn't already consider just telling Boss that Boyfriend's plane was landing at 6 so I had to leave at 5. But that's dishonest, and if I stay all day today I can leave on time on Friday (I only work until 12 on Fridays) and not feel bad for not staying and making up that extra hour.

Please call me Boyfriend ... Please?

Good day gets better? YES!

So today was already a good day because, as I said yesterday, Boyfriend comes home tonight. In fact, he should be landing in Chicago in a few hours. He's probably flying over the east coast somewhere right now. Oh my god ... he's back in the states!! EEEEEEEEEEEE!!! I'm pretty excited to see him, if you couldn't tell.

Anyway - so you're wondering to yourself, how could a day like today get any better? I'll tell you how. The presentation that I was going to have to give today got moved to Wednesday. YES! I was not ready for it at all because every now and then my smart hat falls off and I do retarded things. I finished my whole project on time and had everything ready to go when I found out that I searched for the wrong keyword. So I have been doing the whole project over again in about 72 hours. Two weeks of work ... redone in 3 days. I'm a little stressed not to mention the fact that I feel like I have no idea what's going on because I've been rushing to finish the whole thing. BLEH! But now I have some more time. Too bad I won't be in the office tomorrow. Because I'll be snuggling with BOYFRIEND!!

Ah, I am very happy and content with life right now.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Tomorrow is the day!!

Boyfriend comes home tomorrow! I can't wait ... I miss him lots.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Moving and Garage Sales

Well, I spent my Saturday afternoon packing and moving. It was quite exciting. I have to be out of my house in Lawrence by the 31st of July and so I thought I would get a little bit of a head start by packing up one room at a time. Today I took on the study ... we had a fourth room so we put all of our desks in there thinking that it could be a little study room. Too bad none of us used it really. Towards the end of the year it just started filling up with junk so it was quite messy.

I would say that I managed to get about 95% of the work that will need to be done in there done today however. My desk still needs to be moved as well as my other furniture in there and there is no way that I could have done that on my own. Plus I drive a Taurus. There's only so much that can fit in there and that does not include a desk.

Plus, I've been going through all my stuff to get rid of the things that I don't need. It's great. Not only do I get to clean out my closet and de-clutter my life, I have the chance to make a little extra cash to go into my new car fund. I think it's pretty neat.

I'm completely bushed ... I had such a busy day. The dogs got groomed, which they needed badly. Timmer was starting to get really matted and Bingle was starting to look like a little rasta dog. And I got my hair cut today too! So now my whole family looks great. All in all I would say it was a very productive day.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Oh Work-ey Work

Well, as I continue to work on my financial future and my blog I've realized that the time has come to talk to my boss about my benefits. More specifically, if I have them or not. From what I've been told, I get benefits when I am a salaried person, and a 401(k) after I've been full time for 6 months. I really need to ask Matt if I get any benefits, I'm officially no longer on my parent's insurance policy, and so I would like to know that should the shit hit the fan, I would have at least a little bit of coverage. But, I'm scared to do it. I'm a big wimp. I feel that it would be something altogether different if I had to go ask an HR person. I just hate asking Matt for more stuff. *le sigh*

I thought I would let you know that the reason I decided to put this little ditty in my real life blog rather than mater of my money is because it was more about my concern over asking for said benefits. Or something like that.

Other than that life has been good. I went home early yesterday because I got really dizzy every time I looked at the computer. Which causes a slight problem seeing as how that's what I do for a living presently.

That was not nearly as much fun as it might seem to be. It was a lot like getting the bed-spins only without the fun drinking part before hand. And I didn't throw up as a result. And I made back to my parent's house without crashing my car. Which, as far as I'm concerned, is pretty damn good.

Boyfriend comes home in a week! I can't wait to see him ... he's already been gone for 10 days. It feels like forever.

Also - I was quite productive today during my lunch ... the dogs have grooming appointments for Saturday morning, I'm getting my hair cut that afternoon, and I might even get to go to the farmer's market that morning! I also plan to spend a great deal of my day and Sunday cleaning and packing in L-town for the purpose of moving out of my crappy house. How happy is my little world right now? Very.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Work ... Is ... Forever

So at 3:30 I developed a severe case of the give-a-shits. I have been working through it though, and instead of not working, I simply switched tasks thinking that I would be able to occupy my time with that for a while. Unfortunately, that was only 30-ish minutes ago and it seems that my give-a-shits are getting way worse. And on top of that, I don't get to leave work for 2 more hours. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!

I don't know what it is. Well, I do know what it is. I just don't want to work anymore today. I have the urge to pack up and leave the bulding, go home and take a nap before I make pies tonight to bring into work tomorrow. Or go pay the res t of my Macy's bill. Or both. I want to be anywhere but here. So, let's burn a few minutes of my time and go on a little pictorial journey.

I think that I would like to be here, with a nice cool tropical drink in my hand. Hey look! There's a tropical drink on the chair I didn't see until just now! Oh my god ... I have to leave here. I wonder if I can find a cheap plane ticket to the Bahamas that leaves within the next 3 hours.
What I would do at the beach:
* tan
* nap in the sun (with lots of sunscreen on)
* snorkel
* play in the surf
* drink cocktails

Or maybe you don't like the beach because you get sand in all the places you don't like to touch. Fair enough. Let's go somewhere that doesn't have any sand.

Here you go. We went hiking in the clean, brisk air of some mountains (don't ask me where, they're just mountains ok?) and we stumbled upon a beautiful clean waterfall and pool. Oh the glories of nature never cease to amaze me. I thought this was a pretty place, and right now I would really rather be there than here in my cube.
Things I would do at the waterfall:
* swim
* try to go fishing
* hang a hammock and take a nap
* drink alcohol from the flask I stuck in my back pack
* wait for a unicorn to come to take a sip from the spring we found because we didn't know that it was a magical spring in a magical wood that is gaurded my this beautiful creature.

No much into hiking? Does the thought of it make your feet hurt? Afraid of being eaten alive by various bugs and/or bears? Don't fret, we don't have to hike.

Well, a nice ride in a gondola will be nice. The city is lovely and I'm sure that it wouldn't cost much more to get a gondola that came with a guy who sings while you paddle around.
Things I would do on a gondola ride:
* enjoy the sites
* lean back and enjoy getting paddled around the canals in Venice
* maybe doze off for a minute because I'm sure we'll have been on our feet all day
* take a swing from the flask I stuck in my purse

Well if you didn't like that one then I don't know what else to do. Those are the places that I would like to be. Geez you're picky.

If you really didn't like any of the places that I took you to, then I think that this is the best place for you to be. In bed. Wow, you forgot to make it this morning didn't you? Not only are you a super picky but you're a slob too. I think you should spend sometime working on yourself before you go out into the world. Although that bed does look pretty comfortable. I would get into it even if it is unmade. In fact, I don't know why I care that you forgot to make it. I never make my bed.

Thanks for coming along with me on my work time journey into the wilderness and back home again. Hopefully these next 2 hours will go quickly.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Things I would like to do

I spend a lot of time reading blogs and when I do my head gets filled with so many ideas of things that I want to do or create. I thought I might post a few here as a way to get them down on ... "webpage" and out of my head.

*plant a garden
*own a chicken (I hear that fresh eggs cannot be beat in taste)
*make beds for the puppies that are stuffed with old plastic bags instead of polyester fluff
*learn how to sew really well ... maybe even make some of my own clothes?
*start to recycle more
*write a book (about what I have no idea)
*save a ton of money and pay down all my debts (which is something I'm taking steps to accomplish already. Check out my financial blog here)
*spend more quality time with my dogs and really invest some time in training them

This is only a small list ... I could go on FOREVER if I wanted to. There is so much that I want to do ... and you know what? I think I'm going to do it.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008


Well, things have been picking up at work. I'm really starting to learn things that will help me later in life. Especially if I decide to go to another marketing firm and try to make a name for myself as an SEO ... which might happen.

Once I get a real handle on what I'm doing I think I might try to optimize my dad's website. He has expressed a lot of interest in working with Clickspeed to get his site to pop up whenever you type in "phase one" or other key terms that are used in the world of environmental geology.

The only thing that I'm not looking forward to is that Mike wants me to make a presentation to him and the other intern Rob, he would have to do it too, for a project that we're presently working on. I mean, come on, I JUST got done with coms 130 this last semester and I really don't want to have to give another speech ever again in my whole life. However, I know that's pretty unrealistic to expect and I'm sure that even in the hospital setting I hope to find myself in at some point I would have to give a few presentations.

I think that I might even need (or be really encouraged to) make a power point presentation. Bleh.

Sunday, June 8, 2008


My mother and I went to Disneyland for a graduation present. It was the best three days of my life I think ...

If it was humanly possible to live inside the park I would totally do it. And I would work to pay for rent by being a princess during the day. I think I would like to be Sleeping Beauty or Ariel ... Or I might make a good Tinkerbell. Regardless, I would earn my keep and could probably be the happiest person on Earth in the happiest place on Earth.

Friday, June 6, 2008

Healthy? Warning: Bodily Functions Discussed

So I've decided that I really do want to eliminate Coke from my diet altogether. I love it, don't get me wrong, but lately I have been consuming so much of it that I know it's starting to affect my body.

For instance; I am only allowed to have a day (a 12 0z. or smaller can) and usually after lunch as a little pick me up so that I don't pass out in front of my computer at work. But today I noticed something ... I drink water all morning long because it keeps me awake and I know it's good for me. Also, it makes me have to go to the bathroom every 15 minutes which means I get to spend some time walking around, which also helps keep me awake, and it gives my eyes a rest from the computer, which is also healthy. But when I started drinking my post-lunch Coke, I started to get a stomach ache and I got really gassy - not fun even when you're not sitting in an office.

Bleh. So I think that starting tomorrow I am going to have to find another way to get my caffeine that doesn't make my tummy hurt. Rosy (names have been changed to protect the innocent) said that she has started drinking tea to avoid sodas and I think I might try that. The only problem that I have is that all the tea that I have is decaffeinated ... which is a problem. I think a trip to the store is in order this evening ...