You know, in our society, you always hear about those runway super models who look in the mirror at their almost skeletal bodies and say "I could stand to lose another 3 pounds" and those super hott girls who look at themselves and say "If only my hair were [insert color] I would look so much cuter", and if you're anything like me you laugh at these stories and go "Whatever. The skinny chicks know they're skinny and they flaunt it by talking about losing weight so the rest of us feel sorry for them" or "Right. Super hott chick doesn't know she's hott. And I'm the queen of England."
(Did you like my run on sentence? I think it's awesome. Oh yes English minor ... you come in soooo handy in my life.)
But for the first time ever in my life, I know what these girls are talking about. I look in the mirror and all I see are my flaws. The blackheads, zits, how one of my eyes is almond shaped and the other is round, how my eyebrows grow funny , how my short hair makes me look stupid because I don't have the ability to get up early enough to spend 45 to straighten and do it, and the fact that at the ripe age of 23 I have chin hairs. Yup - I hate them.
I feel ugly all the time now ... even when I'm with Boyfriend. And I know he doesn't care about any of that stuff. I know it. But I still wonder sometimes if he thinks that I could stand to lose a few pounds or if he has ever noticed the fact that I have chin hairs. And I worry that if I ever say any of this to his face that he will think I'm crazy and not want to talk to me about it.
And I need to talk about it. I hate wandering around wondering if everyone else is seeing what I see in myself. I feel alone and depressed. Last night I got in bed and cried because I was trying to take a pretty picture of myself, I don't know why, I think it was because I was making sexy faces in the mirror. But every picture I took just made me feel uglier and uglier.
I am rapidly reaching a breaking point. I'm sitting in my cube writing this and I can feel the knot forming in my throat ... I can feel the tears in my eyes. I don't want to cry at work.
I don't want to feel like this anymore.
But I don't know what to do about it.
I used to not give a crap about what I looked like or what people thought about what I looked like. I used to wear costumes to school ... and I had people point and laugh at me as I would walk down the halls. But I didn't care. I liked it, and that's all the matted. It's only been 5 years since I was that girl ... has it really been so long that I can look back and wonder how I was ever like that?
Every few years, for my whole life, I hit a point where I find some things that I don't like about myself and I strive to change them. One year it was to stop hitting my friends (not like beating them, in the 'you're so funny *slap on the back*' sort of way), another year it was to stop complaining. But I've never hit a point where I feel like I need to do a complete overhaul. Feeling like I have to scrap everything and start over.
On top of feeling ugly ... I feel like I'm a failure at everything.
I'm late, I'm not crafty, I'm not as creative as I used to be, I work too much, I don't have enough friends ... I just don't feel like I'm good at much anymore.
Besides being ugly.
I'm really good at that.