Tuesday, March 31, 2009

GiST 10/365

1. Payday
2. Cookbooks
3. Grocery shopping at 9 pm
4. New self-commitment
5. Making new friends

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Girl Jelly Redux

Thank God for my friend Hilda (even though she is officially living in California now, which is SO NOT COOL HILDA). I mean, sometimes I wonder how I survived my younger years without her around.

Although, now that I think about it, we would never have been friends before the time that we became friends. Most probably she would have made fun of me along with everyone else in elementary/middle school and we never would have moved past the occasional passing glance of "I am not a fan of you" in the hallway.

So. I guess I'm glad that it all worked out that way. Moving on.

I was talking to Hilda last night about my whole day of insecurity and how I had questioned myself in the car on my way home and how my answers had really, really surprised me. And then she totally told me why I felt the way I did. And she was totally right. And I was surprised by the answers (again) and I made some decisions. I made some ... commitments to myself. I now have a mental list of things that I want to do, FOR ME. And then I totally had a moment.

I still am kind of having a moment. It's weird to spend so much time working on something and then realize that maybe you are going about it (e.g. my life) in a way that works but may not really be the best way to go about it overall. (That makes no sense what-so-ever. I'm not even sure that I understand it, even though I just wrote it.)

But isn't that the way it goes, the words just sort of tumble out? When you have these sorts of moments when you feel like the light bulb in the closet of your life finally got turned on and all of a sudden you understand where to find that one thing that you were digging around for in the first place? (Again with the totally weird sentence that doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Sorry about that). I am trying so hard to describe this moment that I had ... without going to any sort of uber-graphic detail.

Even though I don't know why I don't want to go into any graphic detail, I mean, I am writing this on the internet where anyone can find it and read it.* So I suppose I will go into graphic-er detail for you (but not all the way because that would require the telling of some very long stories and delving into a part of a year of my life that I am not a huge fan of talking about.) OK? OK. (wow - I am feeling a little manic right now. Must have been the two cups of coffee).

Armini is going to China. He will be there for 10 months teaching English at a university somewhere (we don't know where yet, but should know sometime during the first week of April). I will not be going with him. That is the part that troubles/confuses/scares me.

I have been feeling more and more as of late that I don't have a handle on the China situation. I do know that I want him to go and I want him to have fun, and I want him to live his life so that he won't look back and wonder what could have been and I don't want him to end up resenting me for trying to make him stay (which I have never even thought about doing). But every now and then I have these moments when I feel like my life is slipping away and that I have to hang on very, very tightly or everything that I have now will dissolve (which I know that it won't, I don't think the dogs or my apartment are going anywhere on their own). And that is where most of my issues have been stemming from.

But the light bulb moment that I had was that I realized that I am deeply jealous of him and his willingness to say "I want to do this, so I am going to do this and I will deal with the fall out when it happens" (Even though I think that last bit is a very girly sentiment to have. I'm sure that the word 'fallout' has never even crossed his mind in relation to the whole picking up and moving thing). And it occurred to me that I have not allowed myself to have those sorts of thoughts outside a day dream (I mean, who doesn't day dream about moving to Hawaii and getting a job at a resort and spending all your free time at the beach, right?). I have never really allowed myself to consider, really consider, just doing [whatever].

For instance, I really like to knit. But I haven't really dedicated myself to it. And even though I really want to go to Sock Summit in Oregon this summer, I have never really, really thought I would because it's so far away and I have a job, and what about the dogs, and blah blah blah. Or, I have always wanted to get a job at Disneyland. But where will I live? What about the dogs? Blah blah blah.

One of my Resolutions this year was to say yes to doing more fun things. I think that it's high time that I stop worrying about EVERYTHING ELSE and do the fun things, even if it means that [insert lame excuse here] is just going to have to keep its pants on until I get done doing the fun thing.

I am not married, I do not have children, the dogs travel well and my parents are always willing to care for them if I need them too, so what the heck is holding me back from just going out there? I know what it is: ME.

And she is just going to have to move the hell out of the way so that I can live my life and have fun and not have to look back when I'm older and wonder what could have been if I had just gotten off of my high horse and done it. And I don't want to be that person who secretly resents her friends for all of the adventures they got to have before settling down to have a family.

WHEW. Like I said, I had a MOMENT. Thank the sweet Lord that I have a friend like Hilda to point me in the direction that I needed to be in to realize this. Seriously ... she is like the best friend I have ever, ever had. Oh man ... now I have something in my eye (no I am not tearing up at work. I would never do a thing like that).

My first act of putting myself before others and having a bit of fun: Drinking a beer while working. The work fridge is stocked and it's beer Friday (please ignore the fact that it's 11:34 am).

*Once upon a time, when SuperCareo was just a tender, innocent youth and was setting up her first AIM account and the internet was brand new, SuperMama told her that everyone who reads what you write on the internet was actually only interested in luring you to a meeting spot where no one can hear you scream so that they have have their way with you, murder you and hide your body in a barrel behind their lake house (am I right Ashley?). As a result, SuperCareo has always been a little timid when it comes to publishing her life on the web. She is currently working on it, ok, so give her a break. She is doing the best that she can already.

Friday, March 27, 2009

SuperCareo, a towering mass of Jell-o

I like to think that I am a pretty strong, easy going kind of girl. The kind that doesn't freak out when she hangs around with people who are skinnier than her, the kind of girl who doesn't wear a lot of make up because she knows she doesn't need it, the kind of girl who knows who she is, knows that she's beautiful and knows that she is loved and accepted.

But every now and then, something (usually something really small that no one else would even think twice about) will get to me and I turn into a mass of indecisive, insecure, self loathing girl jelly. And it happened to me yesterday.

I woke up with a nagging of insecurity (Should I wear this? What is my hair doing? What is my skin doing? Why am I so fat?) because of a very, very small incident* with Armini. Something that shouldn't have made me upset, but it did. I tried to brush it off, like I do with 90% of everything that bothers me, but you know that feeling that gets caught in the pit of your stomach on mornings like this one, the feeling just wouldn't go away.

The morning was fine ... and so was lunch. But for some reason, at about 4:30, the whole thing just crumbled. I just sat at my desk thinking about how I suck at everything, and how I wasn't pretty enough or good enough or anything enough.

Sometimes I feel like life is moving at a pace that is different than I am, it makes me feel like I don't have any control over what's happening around me and I know that stresses me out. I know that life at the apartment is a little stressful right now (while I was in Florida and Armini had the dogs, they peed ALL over my bedroom floor and it smells so bad that I can't go there for longer than I can hold my breath - so I'm living in the living room). I know that this will pass, I feel confident and normal today, but sometimes I wonder why it is that I give in to all of my nagging insecurities. Or why I have them in the first place.

Is it just something that girls do to themselves? Always feeling like they have to be the best in order to prove that they are good enough? Who do I feel like I have to impress? Why do I feel like I have to impress them? It's very weird to sit and think about the answers to these questions ... my answers surprised me. I wish there was some way to make these feelings just go away. I suppose it's just part of growing up.

At least I hope that it's just part of growing up, I don't know that I could handle having days like yesterday forever.

*Using the word incident makes it sound like something out of the ordinary happened. Really, the thing was something that has happened tons of other times, but for some reason really bugged me. I like the word incident.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

The best of times, the worst of burns.

I have two new things to report:
  1. My legs are burnt. A lot. So much so, that I feel that I can now honestly say I know how an extra crispy drumstick at KFC feels.
  2. Tim had some blood work done today and although it looks like he has an ulcer, there is no permanent damage done to any of his tiny dog parts as a result of eating almost a month's worth of Bing's arthritis medication.
I can has all of my bruthers pain killers?

Sunday, March 15, 2009

I Heart Aloe

So far Florida has been wonderful. I think that it's treating me quite well.

Although it seems to be a little burny and a little itchy.

But that's what you get when you are as pale as the day is long and don't wear any sunscreen (although today I did, in an effort to make sure that my shoulders didn't fry off of my body). I was under strict instructions from Hilda and Armini to come back with some color. Maybe they should have been a little more specific about what color they wanted to me to come home with.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

I just had a moment.

I am the sort of person that, when I get an idea in my head, I become pretty much obsessed with that idea. Beanie Babies? Yup. Marriage? Yup. Babies? Yup. Monsters under the bed? Double yup (I still sleep with my cabbage patch doll and an alarm clock that is really bright because I hate the dark).

But tonight I had a moment, and I realized something about myself. A realization that set me back on my heels.

I do not want to have kids anytime soon.

Now, I can understand how you could read that and think "Well, yea. I don't want to have any kids right this second either." But seriously, let me tell you something. I used to want a baby real bad. Like: really, really bad. Part of the reason that I babysit as much as I do is because I love to spend time with other people's kids and spend a few hours pretending that their kids are actually my own. (Please don't judge me for that last comment. I swear I am a good sitter and I really do enjoy spending time with the kids I sit for).

Since Tuesday I have been in Florida babysitting for a wonderful family with a pair of super cute, wonderful kids (and that is not sucking up at all - it warmed my heart when H told me today that lunch by the pool meant that it was the "best Florida ever").

But after two days of dealing with a level of excrement that I have never had to deal with, doing battle with a clogged toilet with the tiniest plunger in the world as your only ally, and a baby that will not go to sleep in her own bed (and is a kicker so I don't really want her in my bed), tonight I realized that I really am not down with dealing with this on a daily basis at this point in my life.

It really shocked me. I stood up from cleaning the freshly, un-clogged toilet and took a nice, long look at myself in the mirror. That's when I realized that I am too selfish right now to bring a little munchkin into the mix. I have trouble sharing my food (especially my cookies; I missed that day at preschool) as it is, I don't want to sacrifice it to someone else.

Marriage? I think I could handle that. I mean, I'm already living with Armini and marriage really isn't much more than that right? I'm sure that many people who just read that sentence and are married are probably getting ready to write me a nasty comment. Please don't, I know that it's more than just living together. But at least he knows how to wipe his own butt. And when he clogs up the potty, he fixes it.

I love the kids I sit for. I just realized that I am not ready to have any of my own. I mean, I'm having enough trouble paying for vet bills as it is now ... with a baby? Forget about it. Poor pups would be shit out of luck. Also, babies tend to put a damper on your sex life (I hear), and I am enjoying the parentlessness of our apartment too much to change it.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Woo - Hoo!

I am now a proud parent. The proud parent of a word:
I have taken a vow to use my new word as often as possible. It means: the act of lifting.

When Armini and I moved into our new apartment, all of my furniture had to be tollated in order to be put inside.

Just you wait readers! This little beaut of the English language should be making appearances in many posts from here on out.

(check out the side bar to get a word all your own. I can't take all the credit for this ... I found the site thanks to the Republic of Brooke)

Friday, March 6, 2009

GiST 9/365

#1. The smell of chlorine on my skin still, from swimming last night.

#2. Hilda - for she is awesome.

#3. 2 am snuggles

#4. Cooking that turns out well.

#5. Swatching, and finding out that the yarn you are swatching isn't the yarn that you want for the project you had in mind. (Even if knitting makes me look old. Thanks, guys)

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

GiST 8/365

#1. Boxed Mac and Cheese

#2. Mac and Cheese that have shapes

#3. Scooby-Doo shaped box Mac and Cheese

#4. Eating a whole box of Scooby-Doo shaped Mac and Cheese

#5. Not feeling guilty about it.

This GiST is brought to you by Scooby-Doo shaped box Mac and Cheese (in case you hadn't already figured that out).

A Few Name Changes ...

I am feeling the need for a few name changes on this blog. For one, I want to give Boyfriend and BFF new nicknames because clearly I wasn't working too hard to think of names for them before now.

And I like them.

And I think they deserve more creative nicknames (honestly ... it's like I nicknamed the lamp, Lamp).

Also, this is my blog and I get to make the rules and there is nothing you can do to stop me. So there. Now, on with the (really short) show!

BFF will forever now be known as Hilda. And we will all know that she likes to do maneuvers. And that when she is on a snowboard, she is looking cool and not dead. (If you know what I'm talking about, then we should TOTALLY be best friends. If you want to know what I'm talking about, look up Eddie Izzard and then go rent his show called Dressed to Kill. Then you should call me and we can be best friends).

Boyfriend will now and forever be known as Armini (say it like arm-ini). I have reasons for changing his name from Boyfriend. The main one being that he is going to China in August to teach English at a university (we don't know where yet) for 10 months, and while we really haven't talked much about it, there is a chance that he might not be Boyfriend anymore but instead morph into a really, really good boy friend. And that is long and hard to type (also, an even lamer nickname than just "Boyfriend").

(Also, if you were wondering what that big reason for being so busy this year was from this post - Amrini going to China is it. I assure you that I am going to start writing about this more in the coming months and that a detailed post about what is going on is coming SOON.)

(Because I know that you really, really care. Just let me pretend, ok?)