Friday, March 27, 2009

SuperCareo, a towering mass of Jell-o

I like to think that I am a pretty strong, easy going kind of girl. The kind that doesn't freak out when she hangs around with people who are skinnier than her, the kind of girl who doesn't wear a lot of make up because she knows she doesn't need it, the kind of girl who knows who she is, knows that she's beautiful and knows that she is loved and accepted.

But every now and then, something (usually something really small that no one else would even think twice about) will get to me and I turn into a mass of indecisive, insecure, self loathing girl jelly. And it happened to me yesterday.

I woke up with a nagging of insecurity (Should I wear this? What is my hair doing? What is my skin doing? Why am I so fat?) because of a very, very small incident* with Armini. Something that shouldn't have made me upset, but it did. I tried to brush it off, like I do with 90% of everything that bothers me, but you know that feeling that gets caught in the pit of your stomach on mornings like this one, the feeling just wouldn't go away.

The morning was fine ... and so was lunch. But for some reason, at about 4:30, the whole thing just crumbled. I just sat at my desk thinking about how I suck at everything, and how I wasn't pretty enough or good enough or anything enough.

Sometimes I feel like life is moving at a pace that is different than I am, it makes me feel like I don't have any control over what's happening around me and I know that stresses me out. I know that life at the apartment is a little stressful right now (while I was in Florida and Armini had the dogs, they peed ALL over my bedroom floor and it smells so bad that I can't go there for longer than I can hold my breath - so I'm living in the living room). I know that this will pass, I feel confident and normal today, but sometimes I wonder why it is that I give in to all of my nagging insecurities. Or why I have them in the first place.

Is it just something that girls do to themselves? Always feeling like they have to be the best in order to prove that they are good enough? Who do I feel like I have to impress? Why do I feel like I have to impress them? It's very weird to sit and think about the answers to these questions ... my answers surprised me. I wish there was some way to make these feelings just go away. I suppose it's just part of growing up.

At least I hope that it's just part of growing up, I don't know that I could handle having days like yesterday forever.

*Using the word incident makes it sound like something out of the ordinary happened. Really, the thing was something that has happened tons of other times, but for some reason really bugged me. I like the word incident.

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