I am the sort of person that, when I get an idea in my head, I become pretty much obsessed with that idea. Beanie Babies? Yup. Marriage? Yup. Babies? Yup. Monsters under the bed? Double yup (I still sleep with my cabbage patch doll and an alarm clock that is really bright because I hate the dark).
But tonight I had a moment, and I realized something about myself. A realization that set me back on my heels.
I do not want to have kids anytime soon.
Now, I can understand how you could read that and think "Well, yea. I don't want to have any kids right this second either." But seriously, let me tell you something. I used to want a baby real bad. Like: really, really bad. Part of the reason that I babysit as much as I do is because I love to spend time with other people's kids and spend a few hours pretending that their kids are actually my own. (Please don't judge me for that last comment. I swear I am a good sitter and I really do enjoy spending time with the kids I sit for).
Since Tuesday I have been in Florida babysitting for a wonderful family with a pair of super cute, wonderful kids (and that is not sucking up at all - it warmed my heart when H told me today that lunch by the pool meant that it was the "best Florida ever").
But after two days of dealing with a level of excrement that I have never had to deal with, doing battle with a clogged toilet with the tiniest plunger in the world as your only ally, and a baby that will not go to sleep in her own bed (and is a kicker so I don't really want her in my bed), tonight I realized that I really am not down with dealing with this on a daily basis at this point in my life.
It really shocked me. I stood up from cleaning the freshly, un-clogged toilet and took a nice, long look at myself in the mirror. That's when I realized that I am too selfish right now to bring a little munchkin into the mix. I have trouble sharing my food (especially my cookies; I missed that day at preschool) as it is, I don't want to sacrifice it to someone else.
Marriage? I think I could handle that. I mean, I'm already living with Armini and marriage really isn't much more than that right? I'm sure that many people who just read that sentence and are married are probably getting ready to write me a nasty comment. Please don't, I know that it's more than just living together. But at least he knows how to wipe his own butt. And when he clogs up the potty, he fixes it.
I love the kids I sit for. I just realized that I am not ready to have any of my own. I mean, I'm having enough trouble paying for vet bills as it is now ... with a baby? Forget about it. Poor pups would be shit out of luck. Also, babies tend to put a damper on your sex life (I hear), and I am enjoying the parentlessness of our apartment too much to change it.