I have a confession to make.
Well, it's not so much a confession as it is me finally acknowledging this thing to myself. And also, to the world.
I am miserable.
It sounds dramatic, doesn't it? It's like I've been transported back in time to when I was 16 and running around saying things like "I hate my life" or "you just don't understand me" or "why doesn't that [hot boy] think I'm pretty?"
So maybe not that last one (or least not anymore, I totally know I'm pretty thankyouverymuch).
But those other two pretty much hit the mark. I'm feeling very lost, misunderstood, scared and picked on. The long and the short of it is, I hate my life as it is right now. And so I did something that most of the people I know think is a really stupid idea.
I applied, along with Armini, to teach English in South Korea.
Yes, it is a drastic change. But the most I think about it, the more I like the idea of taking a year off from my life and getting away from here so that I can clear my head and really think about what I want to do with my life.
I told my parents last night and I have to say that in some ways it went better than I thought it would, and in others it was worse. My dad took it pretty well. My mom did the total opposite of what I thought she would. Rather than totally loose it, she internalized it. Gave me a long list of things I could do here, in the country, that would me more money/get me away from Kansas/let me get started on a career.
And that ... the "c" word ... is what it really comes down too.
I haven't made it a secret that my mom has really been pushing me to go to grad school, and I think there is a lot of complicated family drama fueling it. I know that I am getting older. I know that going to grad school is going to become harder as I get older and try to start a family of my own.
And yet, despite all of this, I am still willing to push it back.
Am I avoiding it? It's possible, probable even. My motivation is 1 part getting far enough away from my parents that I can make a decision on my own, 1 part making a decision and actually following through with it, 1 part being with Amrini (lets just be honest) and 1 part I am a little sad that I didn't go to China and I want to do it now.
I don't know what's going to happen. It's possible that I am going to be one of those people who does a million different things over the course of their lifetime because I can't freaking figure out what to do with myself.
Or maybe this is just the start of me doing some epic shit. Epicly.
Showing posts with label things are a'changin. Show all posts
Showing posts with label things are a'changin. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Girl Jelly Redux
Thank God for my friend Hilda (even though she is officially living in California now, which is SO NOT COOL HILDA). I mean, sometimes I wonder how I survived my younger years without her around.
Although, now that I think about it, we would never have been friends before the time that we became friends. Most probably she would have made fun of me along with everyone else in elementary/middle school and we never would have moved past the occasional passing glance of "I am not a fan of you" in the hallway.
So. I guess I'm glad that it all worked out that way. Moving on.
I was talking to Hilda last night about my whole day of insecurity and how I had questioned myself in the car on my way home and how my answers had really, really surprised me. And then she totally told me why I felt the way I did. And she was totally right. And I was surprised by the answers (again) and I made some decisions. I made some ... commitments to myself. I now have a mental list of things that I want to do, FOR ME. And then I totally had a moment.
I still am kind of having a moment. It's weird to spend so much time working on something and then realize that maybe you are going about it (e.g. my life) in a way that works but may not really be the best way to go about it overall. (That makes no sense what-so-ever. I'm not even sure that I understand it, even though I just wrote it.)
But isn't that the way it goes, the words just sort of tumble out? When you have these sorts of moments when you feel like the light bulb in the closet of your life finally got turned on and all of a sudden you understand where to find that one thing that you were digging around for in the first place? (Again with the totally weird sentence that doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Sorry about that). I am trying so hard to describe this moment that I had ... without going to any sort of uber-graphic detail.
Even though I don't know why I don't want to go into any graphic detail, I mean, I am writing this on the internet where anyone can find it and read it.* So I suppose I will go into graphic-er detail for you (but not all the way because that would require the telling of some very long stories and delving into a part of a year of my life that I am not a huge fan of talking about.) OK? OK. (wow - I am feeling a little manic right now. Must have been the two cups of coffee).
Armini is going to China. He will be there for 10 months teaching English at a university somewhere (we don't know where yet, but should know sometime during the first week of April). I will not be going with him. That is the part that troubles/confuses/scares me.
I have been feeling more and more as of late that I don't have a handle on the China situation. I do know that I want him to go and I want him to have fun, and I want him to live his life so that he won't look back and wonder what could have been and I don't want him to end up resenting me for trying to make him stay (which I have never even thought about doing). But every now and then I have these moments when I feel like my life is slipping away and that I have to hang on very, very tightly or everything that I have now will dissolve (which I know that it won't, I don't think the dogs or my apartment are going anywhere on their own). And that is where most of my issues have been stemming from.
But the light bulb moment that I had was that I realized that I am deeply jealous of him and his willingness to say "I want to do this, so I am going to do this and I will deal with the fall out when it happens" (Even though I think that last bit is a very girly sentiment to have. I'm sure that the word 'fallout' has never even crossed his mind in relation to the whole picking up and moving thing). And it occurred to me that I have not allowed myself to have those sorts of thoughts outside a day dream (I mean, who doesn't day dream about moving to Hawaii and getting a job at a resort and spending all your free time at the beach, right?). I have never really allowed myself to consider, really consider, just doing [whatever].
For instance, I really like to knit. But I haven't really dedicated myself to it. And even though I really want to go to Sock Summit in Oregon this summer, I have never really, really thought I would because it's so far away and I have a job, and what about the dogs, and blah blah blah. Or, I have always wanted to get a job at Disneyland. But where will I live? What about the dogs? Blah blah blah.
One of my Resolutions this year was to say yes to doing more fun things. I think that it's high time that I stop worrying about EVERYTHING ELSE and do the fun things, even if it means that [insert lame excuse here] is just going to have to keep its pants on until I get done doing the fun thing.
I am not married, I do not have children, the dogs travel well and my parents are always willing to care for them if I need them too, so what the heck is holding me back from just going out there? I know what it is: ME.
And she is just going to have to move the hell out of the way so that I can live my life and have fun and not have to look back when I'm older and wonder what could have been if I had just gotten off of my high horse and done it. And I don't want to be that person who secretly resents her friends for all of the adventures they got to have before settling down to have a family.
WHEW. Like I said, I had a MOMENT. Thank the sweet Lord that I have a friend like Hilda to point me in the direction that I needed to be in to realize this. Seriously ... she is like the best friend I have ever, ever had. Oh man ... now I have something in my eye (no I am not tearing up at work. I would never do a thing like that).
My first act of putting myself before others and having a bit of fun: Drinking a beer while working. The work fridge is stocked and it's beer Friday (please ignore the fact that it's 11:34 am).
*Once upon a time, when SuperCareo was just a tender, innocent youth and was setting up her first AIM account and the internet was brand new, SuperMama told her that everyone who reads what you write on the internet was actually only interested in luring you to a meeting spot where no one can hear you scream so that they have have their way with you, murder you and hide your body in a barrel behind their lake house (am I right Ashley?). As a result, SuperCareo has always been a little timid when it comes to publishing her life on the web. She is currently working on it, ok, so give her a break. She is doing the best that she can already.
Although, now that I think about it, we would never have been friends before the time that we became friends. Most probably she would have made fun of me along with everyone else in elementary/middle school and we never would have moved past the occasional passing glance of "I am not a fan of you" in the hallway.
So. I guess I'm glad that it all worked out that way. Moving on.
I was talking to Hilda last night about my whole day of insecurity and how I had questioned myself in the car on my way home and how my answers had really, really surprised me. And then she totally told me why I felt the way I did. And she was totally right. And I was surprised by the answers (again) and I made some decisions. I made some ... commitments to myself. I now have a mental list of things that I want to do, FOR ME. And then I totally had a moment.
I still am kind of having a moment. It's weird to spend so much time working on something and then realize that maybe you are going about it (e.g. my life) in a way that works but may not really be the best way to go about it overall. (That makes no sense what-so-ever. I'm not even sure that I understand it, even though I just wrote it.)
But isn't that the way it goes, the words just sort of tumble out? When you have these sorts of moments when you feel like the light bulb in the closet of your life finally got turned on and all of a sudden you understand where to find that one thing that you were digging around for in the first place? (Again with the totally weird sentence that doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Sorry about that). I am trying so hard to describe this moment that I had ... without going to any sort of uber-graphic detail.
Even though I don't know why I don't want to go into any graphic detail, I mean, I am writing this on the internet where anyone can find it and read it.* So I suppose I will go into graphic-er detail for you (but not all the way because that would require the telling of some very long stories and delving into a part of a year of my life that I am not a huge fan of talking about.) OK? OK. (wow - I am feeling a little manic right now. Must have been the two cups of coffee).
Armini is going to China. He will be there for 10 months teaching English at a university somewhere (we don't know where yet, but should know sometime during the first week of April). I will not be going with him. That is the part that troubles/confuses/scares me.
I have been feeling more and more as of late that I don't have a handle on the China situation. I do know that I want him to go and I want him to have fun, and I want him to live his life so that he won't look back and wonder what could have been and I don't want him to end up resenting me for trying to make him stay (which I have never even thought about doing). But every now and then I have these moments when I feel like my life is slipping away and that I have to hang on very, very tightly or everything that I have now will dissolve (which I know that it won't, I don't think the dogs or my apartment are going anywhere on their own). And that is where most of my issues have been stemming from.
But the light bulb moment that I had was that I realized that I am deeply jealous of him and his willingness to say "I want to do this, so I am going to do this and I will deal with the fall out when it happens" (Even though I think that last bit is a very girly sentiment to have. I'm sure that the word 'fallout' has never even crossed his mind in relation to the whole picking up and moving thing). And it occurred to me that I have not allowed myself to have those sorts of thoughts outside a day dream (I mean, who doesn't day dream about moving to Hawaii and getting a job at a resort and spending all your free time at the beach, right?). I have never really allowed myself to consider, really consider, just doing [whatever].
For instance, I really like to knit. But I haven't really dedicated myself to it. And even though I really want to go to Sock Summit in Oregon this summer, I have never really, really thought I would because it's so far away and I have a job, and what about the dogs, and blah blah blah. Or, I have always wanted to get a job at Disneyland. But where will I live? What about the dogs? Blah blah blah.
One of my Resolutions this year was to say yes to doing more fun things. I think that it's high time that I stop worrying about EVERYTHING ELSE and do the fun things, even if it means that [insert lame excuse here] is just going to have to keep its pants on until I get done doing the fun thing.
I am not married, I do not have children, the dogs travel well and my parents are always willing to care for them if I need them too, so what the heck is holding me back from just going out there? I know what it is: ME.
And she is just going to have to move the hell out of the way so that I can live my life and have fun and not have to look back when I'm older and wonder what could have been if I had just gotten off of my high horse and done it. And I don't want to be that person who secretly resents her friends for all of the adventures they got to have before settling down to have a family.
WHEW. Like I said, I had a MOMENT. Thank the sweet Lord that I have a friend like Hilda to point me in the direction that I needed to be in to realize this. Seriously ... she is like the best friend I have ever, ever had. Oh man ... now I have something in my eye (no I am not tearing up at work. I would never do a thing like that).
My first act of putting myself before others and having a bit of fun: Drinking a beer while working. The work fridge is stocked and it's beer Friday (please ignore the fact that it's 11:34 am).
*Once upon a time, when SuperCareo was just a tender, innocent youth and was setting up her first AIM account and the internet was brand new, SuperMama told her that everyone who reads what you write on the internet was actually only interested in luring you to a meeting spot where no one can hear you scream so that they have have their way with you, murder you and hide your body in a barrel behind their lake house (am I right Ashley?). As a result, SuperCareo has always been a little timid when it comes to publishing her life on the web. She is currently working on it, ok, so give her a break. She is doing the best that she can already.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
A Few Name Changes ...
I am feeling the need for a few name changes on this blog. For one, I want to give Boyfriend and BFF new nicknames because clearly I wasn't working too hard to think of names for them before now.
And I like them.
And I think they deserve more creative nicknames (honestly ... it's like I nicknamed the lamp, Lamp).
Also, this is my blog and I get to make the rules and there is nothing you can do to stop me. So there. Now, on with the (really short) show!
BFF will forever now be known as Hilda. And we will all know that she likes to do maneuvers. And that when she is on a snowboard, she is looking cool and not dead. (If you know what I'm talking about, then we should TOTALLY be best friends. If you want to know what I'm talking about, look up Eddie Izzard and then go rent his show called Dressed to Kill. Then you should call me and we can be best friends).
Boyfriend will now and forever be known as Armini (say it like arm-ini). I have reasons for changing his name from Boyfriend. The main one being that he is going to China in August to teach English at a university (we don't know where yet) for 10 months, and while we really haven't talked much about it, there is a chance that he might not be Boyfriend anymore but instead morph into a really, really good boy friend. And that is long and hard to type (also, an even lamer nickname than just "Boyfriend").
(Also, if you were wondering what that big reason for being so busy this year was from this post - Amrini going to China is it. I assure you that I am going to start writing about this more in the coming months and that a detailed post about what is going on is coming SOON.)
(Because I know that you really, really care. Just let me pretend, ok?)
And I like them.
And I think they deserve more creative nicknames (honestly ... it's like I nicknamed the lamp, Lamp).
Also, this is my blog and I get to make the rules and there is nothing you can do to stop me. So there. Now, on with the (really short) show!
BFF will forever now be known as Hilda. And we will all know that she likes to do maneuvers. And that when she is on a snowboard, she is looking cool and not dead. (If you know what I'm talking about, then we should TOTALLY be best friends. If you want to know what I'm talking about, look up Eddie Izzard and then go rent his show called Dressed to Kill. Then you should call me and we can be best friends).
Boyfriend will now and forever be known as Armini (say it like arm-ini). I have reasons for changing his name from Boyfriend. The main one being that he is going to China in August to teach English at a university (we don't know where yet) for 10 months, and while we really haven't talked much about it, there is a chance that he might not be Boyfriend anymore but instead morph into a really, really good boy friend. And that is long and hard to type (also, an even lamer nickname than just "Boyfriend").
(Also, if you were wondering what that big reason for being so busy this year was from this post - Amrini going to China is it. I assure you that I am going to start writing about this more in the coming months and that a detailed post about what is going on is coming SOON.)
(Because I know that you really, really care. Just let me pretend, ok?)
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