Saturday, August 22, 2009

Due North

It always surprises me how quickly my sense of self vanishes after a break up. It's like, one day your sad and the next day you wake up and you're still sad only now you have no idea what to do with yourself.

Which is what happened to me. You know, after the reset button on my life somehow got pushed.

I was at a point where so much had happened in such a short amount of time that I was overwhelmed to the point of losing my internal sense of direction. The sense of direction that propels you to go to that place. That place, of course, is different for everyone. Maybe that place is a fancy job, a career, or maybe it's a family. Maybe your internal sense of direction is pulling you in the direction of becoming the crazy cat lady for your neighborhood or trying to turn you into a giant hippie. You know, I'm down with whatever your place happens to be.

The last three weeks, I have had no real sense of self. No feelings of being pulled to be anything - even the crazy cat lady (although, to be realistic, I would probably end up being the crazy poodle lady).

You never really know how weird it is to not feel like that until you experience it. But the best part of losing that internal sense of direction is finding it again. Which I thought about tonight and was all ... "Well duh miss smarty pants. That's the only good part of losing anything."

But then I stopped and thought about it. Really thought about it. And I realised that it's not just about finding something that was lost. It's more about how it always finds you at the oddest and most obviously right moment and you're just over come with a sense of well being. Your internal sense of direction finally is pointing north again and you can move forward knowing that you're at least heading in generally the right direction.

The other day my dad was telling me about how he hoped that I either found a career that I loved or married well so that I could stay at home. And even though he wasn't trying to get me back on track, his words totally switched a light bulb on in my head and my Sad Little Ghost, who also took a vacation apparently, was all like ... "Let's do this!".

It's nice to at least feel like I'm back on track, even if there is still some grieving that I need to deal with. At least I know where I want to go.


Full of Heart said...

I tagged you for an award/meme on my blog!

Full of Heart said...

That feeling of rediscovering yourself (after you lose yourself of course) post-breakup is almost like a high. I think it gets you through the really hard parts because it's like you're so stoked on being you again.
Can't wait to hear what your new direction is!!