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Monday, August 31, 2009

This One Where Super Careo Talks About Feelings

Just FYI: This post is really, really sappy. Really, really, REALLY sappy. You have been warned.

Armini has been gone for almost one full month and in that time I have spent a lot of time thinking, for better or for worse, about the life I'm living now that he's gone and the life that I had this time last year. And in that short amount of time I have realized a lot of things. Mostly about myself and also about how these things that I realized about myself may have directly affected my relationship.

Today was a perfect fall day (in Kansas, it doesn't matter that it's still August), the sort of day that Armini loved. Just cool enough for jeans and a shirt, maybe a sweat shirt as the sun goes down. It made me miss him a lot. I thought about the apartment and how we would have had all the windows open to let in the cool air. I wondered what we would have done today if he was still here.

My mom asked me today what I would say to him if he called me tomorrow and said "I've made a terrible mistake, I'm coming home." I told her that I would tell him that he should hurry back.

I know that people say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, I never assumed that I would feel like that in this instance. I figured he would leave, I would be miserable, we would grow apart and I would eventually move on. But it seems like the longer he's gone, the more I think, the more I realize, and the more I realize that Armini means a lot to me.

The only downside to all this thinking (which, honestly I would rather not be doing - so if you're in the Kansas City area and feel like doing something look me up. I have nothing else to do. Clearly.) and realizing stuff is that it makes me miss Armini all that much more. Which you know, sort of makes it harder to think about the fact that he won't be coming home for another 10 months. But hey - one month down so ... hooray for that!

Saying all of this ... "out loud" is weird for me because I feel like it's stuff I shouldn't really be saying. I feel like I'm supposed to be all strong and not talk about the fact that I miss him and care about him as much as I do given the situation. Yes, we broke up. Yes, I am trying to move on. Yes, I am starting to think that this moving on business is going to be way harder than I thought it was going to be.

And besides, if I didn't post about this then I wouldn't be posting anything at all because this is pretty much all I've been thinking about lately. So there. Sorry if I got too sappy for you. I promise that we will be back to our regular type posting next week.

2 comments:

perfectlycursedlife said...

It's okay to be sappy and emotional about stuff like this--that's what those feelings are meant for.

Clearly you have a lot of feelings for him. Hopefully this time apart will give you the distance you need to sort them out.

Full of Heart said...

NO ONE says that you have to be over it, and wanting to move on at all. Especially since you guys ended things amicably (soooo spelled wrong) and only broke up because he moved. I think maybe you guys will just spend some "absence makes the heart grow fonder" time and then you'll decide you can't live without each other and figure out how to make it work.
I wish I lived in KC, I'd hang with you!