It always surprises me how quickly my sense of self vanishes after a break up. It's like, one day your sad and the next day you wake up and you're still sad only now you have no idea what to do with yourself.
Which is what happened to me. You know, after the reset button on my life somehow got pushed.
I was at a point where so much had happened in such a short amount of time that I was overwhelmed to the point of losing my internal sense of direction. The sense of direction that propels you to go to that place. That place, of course, is different for everyone. Maybe that place is a fancy job, a career, or maybe it's a family. Maybe your internal sense of direction is pulling you in the direction of becoming the crazy cat lady for your neighborhood or trying to turn you into a giant hippie. You know, I'm down with whatever your place happens to be.
The last three weeks, I have had no real sense of self. No feelings of being pulled to be anything - even the crazy cat lady (although, to be realistic, I would probably end up being the crazy poodle lady).
You never really know how weird it is to not feel like that until you experience it. But the best part of losing that internal sense of direction is finding it again. Which I thought about tonight and was all ... "Well duh miss smarty pants. That's the only good part of losing anything."
But then I stopped and thought about it. Really thought about it. And I realised that it's not just about finding something that was lost. It's more about how it always finds you at the oddest and most obviously right moment and you're just over come with a sense of well being. Your internal sense of direction finally is pointing north again and you can move forward knowing that you're at least heading in generally the right direction.
The other day my dad was telling me about how he hoped that I either found a career that I loved or married well so that I could stay at home. And even though he wasn't trying to get me back on track, his words totally switched a light bulb on in my head and my Sad Little Ghost, who also took a vacation apparently, was all like ... "Let's do this!".
It's nice to at least feel like I'm back on track, even if there is still some grieving that I need to deal with. At least I know where I want to go.
Showing posts with label Sad Little Ghost. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sad Little Ghost. Show all posts
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Making Hairy Buts Cry is More Fun than you Might Think
Have you ever had a moment (I know, there I go again with the Moment thing - only this time I'm talking about a moment in time not necessarily a Moment in time. Does that make sense? Um ... moving on.) where you walk into [a place], in this case it's my bedroom, and wonder how in the hell you let [that one thing that you always say you're going to do/take care of but never really get around too] get so out of hand, in this case it's the fact that I never clean, that you can feel the vein in your forehead start to throb a little?
No? Is that just me?
This is one of those days where I can hear my Sad Little Ghost screaming at me to get off of my butt and just do something about it.
And I think I may have figured out what was standing between me and my Sad Little Ghost all that time ... I think it's a Big, Ugly, Hairy But, BUHB for short (you can visualize that however you would like).
As I sit here, thinking about it, a whole bunch of Big, Ugly, Hairy Buts are rolling around in my head trying to block out my Sad Little Ghost and his wailing of "Clean your space! Free your mind! Put the vein in your forehead back where it belongs!".
I have to say that I usually don't like to make people/things/figments of my imagination cry, but the vein in my forehead sure does relax a lot when it see my BUHB-es weeping like little babies.
To the folding!
No? Is that just me?
This is one of those days where I can hear my Sad Little Ghost screaming at me to get off of my butt and just do something about it.
And I think I may have figured out what was standing between me and my Sad Little Ghost all that time ... I think it's a Big, Ugly, Hairy But, BUHB for short (you can visualize that however you would like).
As I sit here, thinking about it, a whole bunch of Big, Ugly, Hairy Buts are rolling around in my head trying to block out my Sad Little Ghost and his wailing of "Clean your space! Free your mind! Put the vein in your forehead back where it belongs!".
- There's the "But I have to take the dogs to obedience classes tonight" BUHB
- There's the "But I need to spend time working on my budget tonight after obedience class" BUHB
- There's the "But if I put in a load of laundry before I leave for obedience class, it will sit there forever and then it will mildew/piss off another resident and prompt a passive aggressive note that will make me feel bad" BUHB
- There's the "But I won't have time to do my yoga tonight if I start this now" BUHB
- And there's the "But I need to blog about this more than I need to actually do something about this" BUHB (which is not only my personal favorite but also what is really happening right now ... sad)
I have to say that I usually don't like to make people/things/figments of my imagination cry, but the vein in my forehead sure does relax a lot when it see my BUHB-es weeping like little babies.
To the folding!
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
My First Conversation with my Sad Little Ghost
(Just so you know, I originally wrote this post on June 4th but for some reason never hit publish. It's the conversation I had as a result of discovering my Sad Little Ghost in this post here.)
This Scene: It's about 10:00, I'm in bed about to fall asleep when I realize that I still haven't taken the time to talk to my Sad Little Ghost.
#1. My Sad Little Ghost isn't haunting me because he wants me to feel bad about myself. It's a Sad Little Ghost because he's just trying to get me to the things that he knows (and for that matter, I know) would make me happy in the long run. He's sad because I don't listen to him.
#2. There is another something in my universe that was standing in front my Sad Little Ghost; blocking him from my view, making sure that I wasn't paying attention when my Sad Little Ghost would try to speak to me through Armini or SuperMama (or for that matter, anyone who would try to talk to me about this stuff). Something that was providing me with the excuses and tools to think that I was happy not listening to these things. I don't know what this something is quite yet ...
#3. My Sad Little Ghost is very nice and sweet and way, way, way smarter than me. I think that we are going to besties. Especially since he lets me sleep even when we really do have a lot to talk about and catch up on. And plans to make.
This Scene: It's about 10:00, I'm in bed about to fall asleep when I realize that I still haven't taken the time to talk to my Sad Little Ghost.
ME: I'm sorry that I didn't take the time to talk to you today.From this very short snippet of conversation I learned a few things about my Sad Little Ghost and his (yes, it's a he) existence in my universe:
SLG: It's alright. You need your rest (he pats my head).
ME: What? But ... Why are you being so nice about this if I've made you so sad? Now that I know you're here, don't you want to talk about it?
SLG: Well, yes. But I don't want you to lose sleep over it. You know that I'm here, and that's enough for today.
#1. My Sad Little Ghost isn't haunting me because he wants me to feel bad about myself. It's a Sad Little Ghost because he's just trying to get me to the things that he knows (and for that matter, I know) would make me happy in the long run. He's sad because I don't listen to him.
#2. There is another something in my universe that was standing in front my Sad Little Ghost; blocking him from my view, making sure that I wasn't paying attention when my Sad Little Ghost would try to speak to me through Armini or SuperMama (or for that matter, anyone who would try to talk to me about this stuff). Something that was providing me with the excuses and tools to think that I was happy not listening to these things. I don't know what this something is quite yet ...
#3. My Sad Little Ghost is very nice and sweet and way, way, way smarter than me. I think that we are going to besties. Especially since he lets me sleep even when we really do have a lot to talk about and catch up on. And plans to make.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Not-Really-A-Moment, Moment, A Real Moment and a Ghost
If you have read this blog for any amount of time, you know that I like to have Moments (with the capital M!). In fact, I have so many that I have a blog tag for them. I like to think it's because I am a deep thinker rather than the fact that I have so many due to the fact that I am a silly girl who is not yet well versed in the way of the world and the way that I interact with that world. Right? Well, something like that. I think. It made sense in my head, anyway.
Moving on.
This weekend I did not have a Moment. I had a Not-Really-A-Moment, Moment. Why would I call it a Not-Really-A-Moment, Moment? Well that is actually quite simple: I realized something that I have realized on many, many, many (times infinity) times before this last time that I realized it. Which sounds repetitive because this thing that I realized (again, for the eleventy billion-th time) is something that is a reoccurring theme in my life. You could even go so far as to say that it haunts me. It follows me around like some Sad Little Ghost that doesn't know what to with itself. If only the solution would be to hold a seance and tell it that it's ok to leave me alone now. Unfortunately, the solution is not simple (or even close to being that simple) or else I would have gotten rid of my Sad Little Ghost a loooong time ago.
Want to know what makes my Sad Little Ghost sad? I'm a lazy, messy, bum of a person/roommate. Always have been. Armini can attest to this.
{This is where I would normally start going on and on about how I don't mean to be a lazy, messy, bum of a person/roommate, but I'm TOO LAZY to stand up for myself. Plus, they are all excuses and this is about getting past the excuses to the root of the problem. Right? Right. Let's continue.}
My Not-Really-A-Moment, Moment (which, as a result of writing this very post may have turned into an actual Moment), is when I realized that the messiness of my living space is having a direct effect on the level of Teh Craziness that I am feeling in my life outside of my bed/apartment. It probably is also having a direct effect on how hard I find it to get out of bed in the morning (because I don't think that there are many people who are itching to jump out of bed in the morning when their life feels like it's spiraling out of control). But, like I said, this is not even remotely (not even a little bit) close to being the first time that this thought has crossed my mind.
It's also not the first time I have sat down and thought to myself, "What can I do to be a pro-active, organized, gem of a person/roommate short of moving home and having SuperMama yell (in a tough-love sort of way, of course) at me every day for being a lazy, messy, bum of a person/roommate?"
However, this is the first time that I have sat down and looked my Sad Little Ghost right in the face because, until I started writing this post (and not even until the second draft!) I didn't know that I was being followed around by a Sad Little Ghost. Well, I mean, I knew there was something, but I didn't know what it was until about 20 minutes ago.
{This Moment brought to you by Havi the Pirate Queen (@Havi on Twitter, if you're into that sort of thing) because she is awesome - and also, she has monsters and walls and encourages others to find their own versions of their stuck. /PSA}
So now I am in the process of working out a way to lay my Sad Little Ghost to rest, aka Step Two in my Brilliant Plan to rid myself of Teh Craziness (Step One is here). Which was the whole reason that I started writing this post, but now, because I have a Sad Little Ghost that I need to talk too, has been rendered useless. One cannot go about dealing with ghosts unless one first holds the seance to find out what they want or need in order to leave you alone.
Moving on.
This weekend I did not have a Moment. I had a Not-Really-A-Moment, Moment. Why would I call it a Not-Really-A-Moment, Moment? Well that is actually quite simple: I realized something that I have realized on many, many, many (times infinity) times before this last time that I realized it. Which sounds repetitive because this thing that I realized (again, for the eleventy billion-th time) is something that is a reoccurring theme in my life. You could even go so far as to say that it haunts me. It follows me around like some Sad Little Ghost that doesn't know what to with itself. If only the solution would be to hold a seance and tell it that it's ok to leave me alone now. Unfortunately, the solution is not simple (or even close to being that simple) or else I would have gotten rid of my Sad Little Ghost a loooong time ago.
Want to know what makes my Sad Little Ghost sad? I'm a lazy, messy, bum of a person/roommate. Always have been. Armini can attest to this.
{This is where I would normally start going on and on about how I don't mean to be a lazy, messy, bum of a person/roommate, but I'm TOO LAZY to stand up for myself. Plus, they are all excuses and this is about getting past the excuses to the root of the problem. Right? Right. Let's continue.}
My Not-Really-A-Moment, Moment (which, as a result of writing this very post may have turned into an actual Moment), is when I realized that the messiness of my living space is having a direct effect on the level of Teh Craziness that I am feeling in my life outside of my bed/apartment. It probably is also having a direct effect on how hard I find it to get out of bed in the morning (because I don't think that there are many people who are itching to jump out of bed in the morning when their life feels like it's spiraling out of control). But, like I said, this is not even remotely (not even a little bit) close to being the first time that this thought has crossed my mind.
It's also not the first time I have sat down and thought to myself, "What can I do to be a pro-active, organized, gem of a person/roommate short of moving home and having SuperMama yell (in a tough-love sort of way, of course) at me every day for being a lazy, messy, bum of a person/roommate?"
However, this is the first time that I have sat down and looked my Sad Little Ghost right in the face because, until I started writing this post (and not even until the second draft!) I didn't know that I was being followed around by a Sad Little Ghost. Well, I mean, I knew there was something, but I didn't know what it was until about 20 minutes ago.
{This Moment brought to you by Havi the Pirate Queen (@Havi on Twitter, if you're into that sort of thing) because she is awesome - and also, she has monsters and walls and encourages others to find their own versions of their stuck. /PSA}
So now I am in the process of working out a way to lay my Sad Little Ghost to rest, aka Step Two in my Brilliant Plan to rid myself of Teh Craziness (Step One is here). Which was the whole reason that I started writing this post, but now, because I have a Sad Little Ghost that I need to talk too, has been rendered useless. One cannot go about dealing with ghosts unless one first holds the seance to find out what they want or need in order to leave you alone.
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