Friday, May 22, 2009

I'm Trying So Hard ...

These past few months have been really hard for me. And overall, I think that I have handled them as well as anyone could be expected too.

But as a direct result of all the craziness, I feel like I have more or less lost control of my life.

I know that this will pass and I'm not sitting around wallowing in self pity (which is good because I know that I could, very easily, do just that). I am trying to be pro-active about regaining that sense of control. But how, exactly, does one get control of life when really (when you think about it) no one can ever control life. Or other people. Or anything (really).

And when I think about it, being able to control any of that stuff would be an awesome (and not in the "totally cool" way either; more in the awe inspiring way) responsibility that I do not want.

I don't want everything to go my way all the time. In fact, I think that would be pretty boring. You know ... I want to be surprised.

I also happen to know, for a fact, that there are several times in my life where, had things gone the way I had planned them to go, I would have missed out on some of the best things in my life currently:
  • If I had gotten my first choice in dorms my freshman year, I wouldn't have met JS who lived next door. We probably wouldn't have lived together the next year at Sigma Kappa and if that hadn't happened, I would have never met Armini.
  • If the Lawrence Humane society had updated their Pet Finder page regularly, I never would have called to see about the standard poodle and I would have never met Tim.
  • If Armini and I never fought (and really, don't all girls imagine having a relationship where they never yell at their significant other?) then I wouldn't have met Bing either.
I know that there are other wonder and delightful things in my life that came from things that went wrong, but I can't think of anymore.

But the point is this: Good comes from bad. Every winter everything dies and then every spring it all comes back to life. It's a circle right?

(Sometimes the best way to express yourself is through cartoon movie references, you know?)

Anyway. I'm sure that everyone feels like this at one point or another. I actually had a conversation with one of my co-workers this morning about how she feels like her life has been a little off kilter ever since her son was born (and it's not because she had a baby - just all the craziness that life has thrown at her and her family since then). It's conversations like that one that give me the courage to step up and try to get a foot hold in my life, even if it is speeding down the track completely out of control (something akin to this, only minus the flying off the track in a fireball at the end).

(I hope)

So, what do you have now that you wouldn't have had if everything had gone according to plan?

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