FO is knitting "geek speak" for finished object

And now that you are all up to speed on that, I want to show you this:

Yes, yes. It's awesome. Also, it only took me about 11 months to finish. WIN!

I used organic cotton handspun yarn from the fabulous Tara over at The Blonde Chicken (she's @blondechicken on twitter) and I got it from her so long ago that I don't remember what the colorway is called anymore. Which is sad, because it's super cute. I bought myself a membership to her Yarn Adventure Club as my Armini is going to China without me present (aka - the grief knitting).

The reason that this took me forever is that I have this crazy ability to unravel handspun yarn pretty much by looking at the wrong way. So I would be knitting along, happy as a clam, and then the yarn would just fall apart in my hands. Needless to say, I got tired of it pretty quickly and went on to knit other things. But last week I was digging around for something to knit on and found this and thought I would give it another go. And I finished it!

It's huge though. Like, way too big. And I'm terrified to wash it because I love it and I don't want it to do anything crazy, like burst into flames, if I try to block it. So I'm thinking that I'm just going to leave it like it is. I'm already referring to it lovingly as my Thinking Cap. Why is that do you ask?

Because it's big enough for all my dreams to fit inside.

The most brilliant idea I thik I have ever had (maybe. I hope.)

I have been thinking a lot about finding my magic job. I know that it's out there, I can feel it. And yesterday, I think I may have figured out what it is.

I think (maybe, possibly) that I want to own a bed and breakfast.

It's pretty much the perfect idea. I would get to cook and bake for the people who come to stay with me. I would get to have the house of my dreams (hopefully - eventually) and I would get to make a million new friends. The best part being, of course, that the new friends come to me. And there would be a garden. A garden with tons of huge flowering bushes, and tons of vegetables and a line for laundry and a compost pile.

And the more I think about it, the more excited I get. Which is, like, the first sign that this is a good idea, right? I mean, I would get to own my own business, be my own boss, never have to leave the house and I would be making money by doing what I love to do: entertain and cook and make everything warm and cozy and wonderful.

I begin research tomorrow on bed and breakfasts in general. Hilda suggested buying a house in California somewhere close to wine country (she said I word that I couldn't understand, and she won at scrabble with it) but I'm curious ... what are your thoughts on locations?

Because I do expect you to come and stay with me. Magic does best when it is shared.

Letting the dream catch me for once

Since I got back from China in February, I feel like I have been chasing a dream. A dream that consists mostly of me not having to work (ever) and being able to eat as many pancakes and M&M's as I want without ever having to worry about getting fat. We all have to have a dream, right?

Hilda has been telling me over and over again that I need to "find contentment in what I have". I read blog after blog that talks about how being in the moment is so important. I even have started doing Shiva Nata as a way to try and tap into some of that contentment. Although, to be fair I have wanted to start practicing Shiva Nata for a while now (because Havi is pretty much my hero and I want to be her when I grow up) and this whole "why does my life suck all the time?" thing felt like the perfect time to finally step up and buy the starter kit.

I was trying so hard to be content with what I had, but it seemed like no matter what I did there was always something nagging at the back of my mind. Like, I would be wishing for cable (a post is coming on that, I promise) or dreading going to Macy's for job #2 of the day, or thinking about the eleventy billion other things that I needed to do over the weekend instead of being locked up in a department store.

But then the other day I was standing in my kitchen, wearing my pink polka-dot apron, kneading some bread (yes I am aware that statement makes me sound like Suzy Homemaker) and it occurred to me that I was genuinely happy. I have started listening to some of the CD's that I love, like the Godzilla soundtrack (because I am just that cool), and I finally got my apartment clean over mother's day weekend and I am happy. The quiet of not having the TV on all the time took some getting used too. Once I let go of trying to be happy - I was.

It's so cliche, I know. But I'm so happy that it found me. I am so content in my little space. I'm just sorry that I might be leaving it in a few months. Even though I am also really excited about the adventure that I will be going on (provided, of course, that the Korea's can get along without dropping bombs on each other).

The good thing is, however, that I know that I can do it. The happiness is there to be had. You just have to relax enough to let it get you.

My Summertime Manifesto

One of my good friends posted a to do list for this summer and (borrowing the name from Tara over at the Blonde Chicken) I thought I would be a copy cat and do the same thing.

{SuperCareo's}
Summertime Manifesto
- of Great Times and Awesomeness -

1. Camping with good friends
2. Having lots of adult beverages with good friends while camping
   
3. Making the 'reunion' float trip in my head go from a thought in my head to actually a thing with dates and people who are coming
4. Spending more time with my dogs at the dog park
5. Enjoying more evenings on my patio (hopefully in my hammock)
6. Working on my sewing; specifically learning how to make summer dresses (with pockets! Who doesn't love dresses with pockets!)
7. Finding joy where I am, where I am going, and the process that is the journey to where I am going
8. Dance parties - to have them and to dance until I can't move anymore

What are you going to do this summer?

OH, and before I forget: If you still haven't told me what you think I should do with my hair, you probably should. Hilda and Armini are both in favor of long-ish hair; which means that shorty-short hair only has one vote. This is serious business people - VOTE TODAY.

Title Unkown

I have a confession to make.

Well, it's not so much a confession as it is me finally acknowledging this thing to myself. And also, to the world.

I am miserable.

It sounds dramatic, doesn't it? It's like I've been transported back in time to when I was 16 and running around saying things like "I hate my life" or "you just don't understand me" or "why doesn't that [hot boy] think I'm pretty?"

So maybe not that last one (or least not anymore, I totally know I'm pretty thankyouverymuch).

But those other two pretty much hit the mark. I'm feeling very lost, misunderstood, scared and picked on. The long and the short of it is, I hate my life as it is right now. And so I did something that most of the people I know think is a really stupid idea.

I applied, along with Armini, to teach English in South Korea.

Yes, it is a drastic change. But the most I think about it, the more I like the idea of taking a year off from my life and getting away from here so that I can clear my head and really think about what I want to do with my life.

I told my parents last night and I have to say that in some ways it went better than I thought it would, and in others it was worse. My dad took it pretty well. My mom did the total opposite of what I thought she would. Rather than totally loose it, she internalized it. Gave me a long list of things I could do here, in the country, that would me more money/get me away from Kansas/let me get started on a career.

And that ... the "c" word ... is what it really comes down too.

I haven't made it a secret that my mom has really been pushing me to go to grad school, and I think there is a lot of complicated family drama fueling it. I know that I am getting older. I know that going to grad school is going to become harder as I get older and try to start a family of my own.

And yet, despite all of this, I am still willing to push it back.

Am I avoiding it? It's possible, probable even. My motivation is 1 part getting far enough away from my parents that I can make a decision on my own, 1 part making a decision and actually following through with it, 1 part being with Amrini (lets just be honest) and 1 part I am a little sad that I didn't go to China and I want to do it now.

I don't know what's going to happen. It's possible that I am going to be one of those people who does a million different things over the course of their lifetime because I can't freaking figure out what to do with myself.

Or maybe this is just the start of me doing some epic shit. Epicly.

(thanks Jamie)

How To Survive In Life

It's that time again ... time to brave crowds at the mall make out those lists for Santa think about what we would like to do a little differently in our lives in the coming year. And to get excited to open some presents (let's just be honest with each other).

Ok - so maybe most people start thinking about resolutions and all that after the 25th. What can I say? I like to get a jump start on these things. Plus it's not like changing the way I do things hasn't been on my mind lately or anything (ha).

But as I was sitting around thinking about how totally, rock your face off awesome 2010 is going to be I was struck with a thought. A thought that made me think of this one post I wrote at the start of 2009 called Sometimes I Wonder How I Survive In Life. It's a question I've been asking myself a lot lately.

ANYWAY. So I was thinking about making a list for myself of Ways TO Survive in Life.

2009 was a big year for me in terms of things I learned about life and about myself and I think it would make a nice addition to my usual set of 10 (or so) resolutions for the year. And then I thought that it would be enlightening to see what the blogging community would have to add to such a list.

So I'm turning it over to you guys. I want to hear about how YOU are going to survive in the coming year. Tweet it! Collect ideas from your friends! I will post everything I get on January 6th, two days before I leave for China. And yes, you can send me as many ideas as you would like.

I'll go first ...

1. Sometimes you just have to make the decision and deal with the fall out after the fact (especially if it's something you know you really want).
2. Dealing with bad situations with grace is harder than you might think.
3. Sometimes the second (or 3rd ... or 16th) cookie/piece of cake/chocolate frosted doughnut with rainbow sprinkles is necessary in order to avoid a mental breakdown.
4. A good friend is more valuable than anything else in the world.
   

Due North

It always surprises me how quickly my sense of self vanishes after a break up. It's like, one day your sad and the next day you wake up and you're still sad only now you have no idea what to do with yourself.

Which is what happened to me. You know, after the reset button on my life somehow got pushed.

I was at a point where so much had happened in such a short amount of time that I was overwhelmed to the point of losing my internal sense of direction. The sense of direction that propels you to go to that place. That place, of course, is different for everyone. Maybe that place is a fancy job, a career, or maybe it's a family. Maybe your internal sense of direction is pulling you in the direction of becoming the crazy cat lady for your neighborhood or trying to turn you into a giant hippie. You know, I'm down with whatever your place happens to be.

The last three weeks, I have had no real sense of self. No feelings of being pulled to be anything - even the crazy cat lady (although, to be realistic, I would probably end up being the crazy poodle lady).

You never really know how weird it is to not feel like that until you experience it. But the best part of losing that internal sense of direction is finding it again. Which I thought about tonight and was all ... "Well duh miss smarty pants. That's the only good part of losing anything."

But then I stopped and thought about it. Really thought about it. And I realised that it's not just about finding something that was lost. It's more about how it always finds you at the oddest and most obviously right moment and you're just over come with a sense of well being. Your internal sense of direction finally is pointing north again and you can move forward knowing that you're at least heading in generally the right direction.

The other day my dad was telling me about how he hoped that I either found a career that I loved or married well so that I could stay at home. And even though he wasn't trying to get me back on track, his words totally switched a light bulb on in my head and my Sad Little Ghost, who also took a vacation apparently, was all like ... "Let's do this!".

It's nice to at least feel like I'm back on track, even if there is still some grieving that I need to deal with. At least I know where I want to go.

Girl Jelly Redux

Thank God for my friend Hilda (even though she is officially living in California now, which is SO NOT COOL HILDA). I mean, sometimes I wonder how I survived my younger years without her around.

Although, now that I think about it, we would never have been friends before the time that we became friends. Most probably she would have made fun of me along with everyone else in elementary/middle school and we never would have moved past the occasional passing glance of "I am not a fan of you" in the hallway.

So. I guess I'm glad that it all worked out that way. Moving on.

I was talking to Hilda last night about my whole day of insecurity and how I had questioned myself in the car on my way home and how my answers had really, really surprised me. And then she totally told me why I felt the way I did. And she was totally right. And I was surprised by the answers (again) and I made some decisions. I made some ... commitments to myself. I now have a mental list of things that I want to do, FOR ME. And then I totally had a moment.

I still am kind of having a moment. It's weird to spend so much time working on something and then realize that maybe you are going about it (e.g. my life) in a way that works but may not really be the best way to go about it overall. (That makes no sense what-so-ever. I'm not even sure that I understand it, even though I just wrote it.)

But isn't that the way it goes, the words just sort of tumble out? When you have these sorts of moments when you feel like the light bulb in the closet of your life finally got turned on and all of a sudden you understand where to find that one thing that you were digging around for in the first place? (Again with the totally weird sentence that doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Sorry about that). I am trying so hard to describe this moment that I had ... without going to any sort of uber-graphic detail.

Even though I don't know why I don't want to go into any graphic detail, I mean, I am writing this on the internet where anyone can find it and read it.* So I suppose I will go into graphic-er detail for you (but not all the way because that would require the telling of some very long stories and delving into a part of a year of my life that I am not a huge fan of talking about.) OK? OK. (wow - I am feeling a little manic right now. Must have been the two cups of coffee).

Armini is going to China. He will be there for 10 months teaching English at a university somewhere (we don't know where yet, but should know sometime during the first week of April). I will not be going with him. That is the part that troubles/confuses/scares me.

I have been feeling more and more as of late that I don't have a handle on the China situation. I do know that I want him to go and I want him to have fun, and I want him to live his life so that he won't look back and wonder what could have been and I don't want him to end up resenting me for trying to make him stay (which I have never even thought about doing). But every now and then I have these moments when I feel like my life is slipping away and that I have to hang on very, very tightly or everything that I have now will dissolve (which I know that it won't, I don't think the dogs or my apartment are going anywhere on their own). And that is where most of my issues have been stemming from.

But the light bulb moment that I had was that I realized that I am deeply jealous of him and his willingness to say "I want to do this, so I am going to do this and I will deal with the fall out when it happens" (Even though I think that last bit is a very girly sentiment to have. I'm sure that the word 'fallout' has never even crossed his mind in relation to the whole picking up and moving thing). And it occurred to me that I have not allowed myself to have those sorts of thoughts outside a day dream (I mean, who doesn't day dream about moving to Hawaii and getting a job at a resort and spending all your free time at the beach, right?). I have never really allowed myself to consider, really consider, just doing [whatever].

For instance, I really like to knit. But I haven't really dedicated myself to it. And even though I really want to go to Sock Summit in Oregon this summer, I have never really, really thought I would because it's so far away and I have a job, and what about the dogs, and blah blah blah. Or, I have always wanted to get a job at Disneyland. But where will I live? What about the dogs? Blah blah blah.

One of my Resolutions this year was to say yes to doing more fun things. I think that it's high time that I stop worrying about EVERYTHING ELSE and do the fun things, even if it means that [insert lame excuse here] is just going to have to keep its pants on until I get done doing the fun thing.

I am not married, I do not have children, the dogs travel well and my parents are always willing to care for them if I need them too, so what the heck is holding me back from just going out there? I know what it is: ME.

And she is just going to have to move the hell out of the way so that I can live my life and have fun and not have to look back when I'm older and wonder what could have been if I had just gotten off of my high horse and done it. And I don't want to be that person who secretly resents her friends for all of the adventures they got to have before settling down to have a family.

WHEW. Like I said, I had a MOMENT. Thank the sweet Lord that I have a friend like Hilda to point me in the direction that I needed to be in to realize this. Seriously ... she is like the best friend I have ever, ever had. Oh man ... now I have something in my eye (no I am not tearing up at work. I would never do a thing like that).

My first act of putting myself before others and having a bit of fun: Drinking a beer while working. The work fridge is stocked and it's beer Friday (please ignore the fact that it's 11:34 am).

*Once upon a time, when SuperCareo was just a tender, innocent youth and was setting up her first AIM account and the internet was brand new, SuperMama told her that everyone who reads what you write on the internet was actually only interested in luring you to a meeting spot where no one can hear you scream so that they have have their way with you, murder you and hide your body in a barrel behind their lake house (am I right Ashley?). As a result, SuperCareo has always been a little timid when it comes to publishing her life on the web. She is currently working on it, ok, so give her a break. She is doing the best that she can already.

I have a bad feeling about this ...

To use the line from Han Solo (and the whole Star Wars trilogy, really).

I don't know what it is but I woke up with that icky feeling in my stomach like something bad has/will happen sometime in the near future.

I had a dream about high school and the first guy who I ever referred to as a boyfriend ... but I don't know why that would give me a bad feeling.

I talked to Boyfriend last night and he didn't seem too happy with me because I have to miss our friend's party due to a babysitting job that got moved up suddenly. But that shouldn't make me feel bad either because I'm doing everything I can to help out with the party without actually being there.

I wonder what it is and if it will go away soon. Dinner with Boyfriend tonight should be quite nice and hopefully by then this feeling will have left me alone. I know nothing is wrong ... I hope. I suddenly think that I will have to make some phone calls during my lunch break.

Also, I am doing another overnight babysitting job ... wish me luck. I hope the dogs are better behaved then they were last time. Geez.

Job Interview ...

Well, Boyfriend has a big job interview today in Florida. He flew down there yesterday and he comes back tomorrow. The whole thing makes me feel funny. I'm scared and excited all at the same time.

I'm scared because if he moves away and I don't move down there with him right away, which is probably what will end up happening, what will happen to us? And while I would like to think that he has changed I'm afraid of having a repeat of what happened in Texas. I'm scared of him meeting someone.

I'm excited because he's going out into the world and trying to get a good job in a new place, something that I hope I can do in the next few years. I'm excited because if he gets it he'll live in a neat place and I will get to go visit him every few months.

It's an odd emotional mix and I'm having trouble figuring out exactly how I feel about the whole thing. I don't want him to not get the job because I was thinking negative thoughts or because I prayed that he wouldn't (I haven't done any of these things) and so I keep just hoping that what's supposed to happen will happen and I hope that what I want to happen happens. So, you might ask, what do I want to have happen? I want him to do what's right for him, but I want us to stay together and be happy.

Fingers crossed.

Things I would like to do

I spend a lot of time reading blogs and when I do my head gets filled with so many ideas of things that I want to do or create. I thought I might post a few here as a way to get them down on ... "webpage" and out of my head.

*plant a garden
*own a chicken (I hear that fresh eggs cannot be beat in taste)
*make beds for the puppies that are stuffed with old plastic bags instead of polyester fluff
*learn how to sew really well ... maybe even make some of my own clothes?
*start to recycle more
*write a book (about what I have no idea)
*save a ton of money and pay down all my debts (which is something I'm taking steps to accomplish already. Check out my financial blog here)
*spend more quality time with my dogs and really invest some time in training them

This is only a small list ... I could go on FOREVER if I wanted to. There is so much that I want to do ... and you know what? I think I'm going to do it.

Disneyland!!

My mother and I went to Disneyland for a graduation present. It was the best three days of my life I think ...

If it was humanly possible to live inside the park I would totally do it. And I would work to pay for rent by being a princess during the day. I think I would like to be Sleeping Beauty or Ariel ... Or I might make a good Tinkerbell. Regardless, I would earn my keep and could probably be the happiest person on Earth in the happiest place on Earth.