If only I had a moon ladder, my life would be complete

I want so much that sometimes it hurts almost. Almost. Ok, maybe a little more than almost. It's the pull of desire for something (even if you have absolutely no idea what it is that you want) that starts in the center of your chest and radiates outward. Out toward the thing, whatever it is: physical, emotional, a specific event, an accomplishment of some sort.

I have decided that I am living a life that is mostly devoid of magic. And I am not like other grown ups who can go around without magic and be perfectly content. I need magic. I crave it. It is what I am radiating towards.

The only thing is I don't know where to start my search for this magic. It makes me feel very small. Like someone is telling me that I can totally make it to the moon, only they don't tell you that you should probably get a spaceship beforehand (ladders that tall just don't exist, I checked).

Sometimes I think that finding the magic will have to do with where I live and how I choose to live there. I imagine a huge back yard with huge, old trees and giant flowering bushes and so much color (green and blue and pink and purple and white and and and) that you might think that your eyes will melt out of your head. And a house that smells like cooking and baking. Warm bread, fabulous meals, cookbooks with broken spines and stained pages from years of being used and loved.

But in order to find the magic house, I have to have money. And in order to have money, I have to have a job. And that, my friends, is where I get lost.

A job that is magical. Something that I am good at and that I love to do all the time. A job that, if I did have to work more than 40 hours at it during the week, wouldn't make me want to find a mountain and throw myself off the very top of it because I am so tired and so stressed I can't stand it.

I have friends who are doing what they love. Writing or designing or what-have-you-ing. They have always known what it was, and even if they didn't know it exactly at the time, they were pretty damn close. I am good at a lot of things. I have jobs that I enjoy (to a degree) but I still manage to have about 1 day a week where my brain literally turns into jello because of the stress in my life and oozes out of my ear holes. And it's draining my will to live.

On the phone with my mother the other day, she told me that "if this was the way [I] choose to life my life then [I] should probably just stop bitching about it and be content that [I] have a job at all." And yes, I agree. I should stop bitching. I should spend more time looking for a job where I can put my college degree to good use (or any use, for that matter), be happy and make some money so that I can find the magic house where I will be able to cook and bake forever and ever, Amen.

But I think about looking for a job and all I want to do is run back into the arms of my 3 (yes, 3) jobs and the 1 day a week of brain flavored stress-jello and hold on as tight as I can and never let go. Resumes make me turn into a blabbering idiot. Looking at Monster or Career Builder makes me wonder if I will ever find anything that makes me want to dance out of bed and into the office.

And yes, I realize that I might be romanticizing this job thing. Maybe there really is not one person in the world who actually dances into their office everyday. Maybe "magical jobs" are like "unicorns" and "dragons" and while they are fun to talk about or star in movies or read about, they don't really exist.

But the thing is, I don't know that I want to live in a world where being a grown up means that you have to wait until 5:00 on the weekdays to feel the magic. In fact, I take that back. I know I don't want to live in that world. In that world, the world where everyone waits until 5:00 to be happy, I will wither and die like a flower that doesn't get enough sunshine.

So I suppose I am putting this out there to see what comes to me. I would love to have words of comfort or maybe a career idea that is something super-fun that you heard of one time because your ex-boyfriend's, step mom's brother-in-law from Texas heard about from a friend one time (maybe). The list of magical jobs that I came up with is sort of small:

• Start my own preschool
• Flight attendant
  
• Character actor at Disneyland (I would like to be Ariel please. Or Belle. Well ... really any princess, really)

Thoughts?

GiST #3 + Short Post = Trying to Stay Awake

Do you ever have days where it feels like you're in a fog? That your body just isn't working the right way even though you're on your third cup of coffee? I feel like that today. And the fact that it's raining outside today isn't helping things.

If I were still in school (sob) I would spend the day in my bed with my dogs having a snuggle fest/sleep-a-thon. But now that I'm a "grown up" and have to do super lame stuff like "go to work" and "earn a paycheck" so that I can "pay the rent and the utility bills" I don't get to stay home and have snuggle fests anymore unless I also happen to be feeling very ill at the time.

But seriously, today is going to be like yesterday where I try so hard to work hard. Sometimes I just can't concentrate and I just HAVE to spend 15 minutes doodling on my notepad or making myself another totally awesome spreadsheet to print out and write on (and highlight with the right colors).

GiST #3:
1. A FOLLOWER!

2. Being so close to finishing a knitting project that is so much cooler than my other knitting projects to this point.

3. Planning ahead to my next super cool and much more complicated knitting pattern and dreaming of the lovely yarn shop and spending tons of money on yarn (yes, I know that's technically three things ... lay off me. I'm on my third cup of coffee)

4. Boyfriend coming in my room at 3 am when he gets home to give me smooches because he misses me.

5. Good food and good friends and treadmills (just pretend it's one thing ... ok?)

Why?

Why is it on the days when you are sooo tired or just plain not feeling well my hair always manages to look terrible? It's almost like it's picking up on the way the rest of my body is acting (slow and crampy) and is doing it's best at imitating it. Even though it's hair. I mean really.

I only 4.5 hours of sleep last night and I spent the evening packing. Then I got up early to unload the stuff from the interior of my car so that I could drive around without looking like a hobo and came to work. So ... I'm tired. My period (the first one I've had in 3 months WOOT) decided to kick it into fully gear today and I feel like someone is repeatedly shoving flaming hot pokers through my belly. So not only does my stomach hurt, my back does too. And they are terrible cramps. And I can feel them zapping the little remaining energy I have.

I think I have reached the point in my day when I just can't really work anymore. Which is ok because I have been a little workhorse lately and when I get here in the mornings I do as much as I can so that when this happens it will look like I was productive all day. Yes my friends, the time has come for me to sit and stare at my computer, run random Google searches and pretend that I am doing working when really I have retreated to the happy place in my mind in hopes that I can escape the pain in my belly.

I will see you the in happy place ...

Oh Work-ey Work

Well, as I continue to work on my financial future and my blog I've realized that the time has come to talk to my boss about my benefits. More specifically, if I have them or not. From what I've been told, I get benefits when I am a salaried person, and a 401(k) after I've been full time for 6 months. I really need to ask Matt if I get any benefits, I'm officially no longer on my parent's insurance policy, and so I would like to know that should the shit hit the fan, I would have at least a little bit of coverage. But, I'm scared to do it. I'm a big wimp. I feel that it would be something altogether different if I had to go ask an HR person. I just hate asking Matt for more stuff. *le sigh*

I thought I would let you know that the reason I decided to put this little ditty in my real life blog rather than mater of my money is because it was more about my concern over asking for said benefits. Or something like that.

Other than that life has been good. I went home early yesterday because I got really dizzy every time I looked at the computer. Which causes a slight problem seeing as how that's what I do for a living presently.

That was not nearly as much fun as it might seem to be. It was a lot like getting the bed-spins only without the fun drinking part before hand. And I didn't throw up as a result. And I made back to my parent's house without crashing my car. Which, as far as I'm concerned, is pretty damn good.

Boyfriend comes home in a week! I can't wait to see him ... he's already been gone for 10 days. It feels like forever.

Also - I was quite productive today during my lunch ... the dogs have grooming appointments for Saturday morning, I'm getting my hair cut that afternoon, and I might even get to go to the farmer's market that morning! I also plan to spend a great deal of my day and Sunday cleaning and packing in L-town for the purpose of moving out of my crappy house. How happy is my little world right now? Very.

Work ... Is ... Forever

So at 3:30 I developed a severe case of the give-a-shits. I have been working through it though, and instead of not working, I simply switched tasks thinking that I would be able to occupy my time with that for a while. Unfortunately, that was only 30-ish minutes ago and it seems that my give-a-shits are getting way worse. And on top of that, I don't get to leave work for 2 more hours. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!

I don't know what it is. Well, I do know what it is. I just don't want to work anymore today. I have the urge to pack up and leave the bulding, go home and take a nap before I make pies tonight to bring into work tomorrow. Or go pay the res t of my Macy's bill. Or both. I want to be anywhere but here. So, let's burn a few minutes of my time and go on a little pictorial journey.


I think that I would like to be here, with a nice cool tropical drink in my hand. Hey look! There's a tropical drink on the chair I didn't see until just now! Oh my god ... I have to leave here. I wonder if I can find a cheap plane ticket to the Bahamas that leaves within the next 3 hours.
What I would do at the beach:
* tan
* nap in the sun (with lots of sunscreen on)
* snorkel
* play in the surf
* drink cocktails



Or maybe you don't like the beach because you get sand in all the places you don't like to touch. Fair enough. Let's go somewhere that doesn't have any sand.

Here you go. We went hiking in the clean, brisk air of some mountains (don't ask me where, they're just mountains ok?) and we stumbled upon a beautiful clean waterfall and pool. Oh the glories of nature never cease to amaze me. I thought this was a pretty place, and right now I would really rather be there than here in my cube.
Things I would do at the waterfall:
* swim
* try to go fishing
* hang a hammock and take a nap
* drink alcohol from the flask I stuck in my back pack
* wait for a unicorn to come to take a sip from the spring we found because we didn't know that it was a magical spring in a magical wood that is gaurded my this beautiful creature.

No much into hiking? Does the thought of it make your feet hurt? Afraid of being eaten alive by various bugs and/or bears? Don't fret, we don't have to hike.

Well, a nice ride in a gondola will be nice. The city is lovely and I'm sure that it wouldn't cost much more to get a gondola that came with a guy who sings while you paddle around.
Things I would do on a gondola ride:
* enjoy the sites
* lean back and enjoy getting paddled around the canals in Venice
* maybe doze off for a minute because I'm sure we'll have been on our feet all day
* take a swing from the flask I stuck in my purse



Well if you didn't like that one then I don't know what else to do. Those are the places that I would like to be. Geez you're picky.



If you really didn't like any of the places that I took you to, then I think that this is the best place for you to be. In bed. Wow, you forgot to make it this morning didn't you? Not only are you a super picky but you're a slob too. I think you should spend sometime working on yourself before you go out into the world. Although that bed does look pretty comfortable. I would get into it even if it is unmade. In fact, I don't know why I care that you forgot to make it. I never make my bed.

Thanks for coming along with me on my work time journey into the wilderness and back home again. Hopefully these next 2 hours will go quickly.